99 Comments on “Rate Your Relationship” - Post your own?

mohiddin basha syed says

I am not sure about the my catogery, I request that I may kindly be prayed for the rela­tion please

Hj says

I am totally in love with my part­ner but unfor­tu­nately due to work com­mit­ments and every­day com­mit­ments we hardly see each other more than once or twice a week. Inti­macy is some­thing that hap­pens only if planned and is by far not a reg­u­lar hap­pen­ing, at the most once every cou­ple of months.
Can you help as I feel this is caus­ing a drift in the rela­tion­ship and do not feel it is normal.

RK says

Hey Burt and all,
I’m in my 50’s, fit, ath­letic, sex­u­ally vig­or­ous.
After a num­ber of rela­tion­ships long and short-term over the years, I’ve cho­sen to lead a sin­gle life for the last 10 plus years. I lead a busy active life and have learned long ago that ( as has been men­tioned here ear­lier) ‘like attracts like’ or, more to the point ‘We are attracted to and by our own level of dys­func­tion’ which is to say that you’re not likely to hook up with any­one a whole lot ‘health­ier’ than you are your­self. If we’ve found a pat­tern of repeated ‘unsat­is­fac­tory’ ( in what­ever way) rela­tion­ships, we may very rea­son­ably expect our future to reflect our his­tory. When we under­take to grow per­son­ally, spir­i­tu­ally etc, thus rais­ing our own ‘level of dys­func­tion’ to a health­ier place, we may expect our rela­tion­ships to improve accord­ingly.
Per­son­ally, I do not go to bed ‘lonely’ each night, nor do I wake up ‘lonely’ each morn­ing. My sex life is lim­ited (?) to ‘friends with benefits’-type rela­tion­ships as my sched­ule allows. I’ve no doubt but that like-minded indi­vid­u­als of both sexes are plen­ti­ful for those who ‘lack’ noth­ing more than sex­ual expres­sion. For those feel­ing a need for a more stan­dard rela­tion­ship that is whole, joy­ous, and inti­mate, be assured that part­ners of either sex that are suited to your needs are also plentiful…the first step is to ensure that your own ‘level of dys­func­tion’ is such that you will be att­tracted to and by peo­ple who are will­ing and capa­ble of the level of inti­macy that you seek. And so it begins…

liz says

I loved the com­ments from Rick Garzan­iti, who posted ear­lier. He sounds like a kind man with a good sense of humour. Hope he finds hap­pi­ness, I think he deserves to. As for me, I have been with the same guy who is 10 years younger than I, for over twenty years, but only because we live apart. He is crazy about me, but only when he is in the mood! 2 con­sec­u­tive days together and we are ready to kill each other! Not much hope for us then? Good Luck to all who posted and Burt, you made me smile with your lit­tle rev­e­la­tion of your “sweet life.” Thanks Burt, Liz.

Virginia B says

Hello Burt, I truly enjoy receiv­ing your emails as well. I sent you a com­ment regard­ing the 3 promises to per­form first before the next lessons.

With regard to what I wrote, I rate my rela­tion­ship with my hus­band in Cat­e­gory 3.

He has had an impotency/sexual/psychological issue for quite some time. When I first met him, I noticed that there was a difference.

He was always shrug­ging it off to lots of work and stress from being active in the Florida Army National Guard Reserves.

Dur­ing our time together, we have had some won­der­ful times, then we had our daugh­ter, then with the change that he made in career from truck dri­ver deliv­er­ing paper and med­ical sup­plies to becom­ing a Cor­rec­tional Offi­cer for a Sheriff’s Office, his per­son­al­ity started to change. He became con­trol­ing, manip­u­la­tive, bossy, hyper­vig­i­lant and more. Dur­ing this time, I was work­ing hard to keep my san­ity and my healty bound­aries in tact. It was very hard. He knew that I was vuner­a­ble phys­i­caly after I had our daugh­ter and he took advan­tage of that and started to find ways to keep me home and from find­ing a job, yet any time we went to a party, or went to din­ner at his family’s house, he would brag, “Im the only one work­ing!” He would love to feel pow­er­ful by putting me down and con­trol­ling and manip­u­lat­ing me. I have been hav­ing a hard time to get out of it finan­cially, trans­porta­tion wise, etc… My chil­dren didn’t want to go to a shel­ter, when I finally got a job, it didn’t last long because he would start a fight every night before going to bed or when I woke up in the morn­ing before going to work. I was exhausted!!!

Alot of the anger is actu­ally com­ing from inside him. His own inse­cu­ri­ties, his denials about him­self, his aca­d­e­mic inse­cu­ri­ties, code­pen­dency on his mother, his obses­sion with porn, and his con­stant excuses for not per­form­ing well. He is embarassed to get help. So he started to use his anger as an excuse for me not to approach him when his behav­ior started to change and I sus­pected him of cheat­ing. He was try­ing to find out if he still had it in him. So I asked him for a divorce because I was not about to put up with a man who thinks its ok to test the waters to see if it is him or me. He was in denial of the truth!!! I don’t know if our mar­riage could be saved. I am hurt­ing still although I have been try­ing to forgive,but I am not sure if I should. He has done alot because of his pet­ti­ness, inse­cu­ri­ties, imma­tu­rity, anger, con­trol­ling habits and his manip­u­la­tive ways, lets not for­get patho­log­i­cal lying and his code­pen­dency espe­cially on his mother, who also loves to keep him this way.

So, tell me what do you think. I defi­nately know that he needs coun­selling help. He has all of the signs and symp­toms of Bor­der­line Per­son­al­ity Dis­or­der from the book “Stop Walk­ing on Eggshells!” seriously!!!

He says that he doesn’t want to get divorced. Yeah well, that’s because he knows that he will lose his job at the Sheriff’s office when they find out about his behav­ior and antics, and the Florida Army National Guard will come down on him hard too. I know that he is afraid because he knows that because of every­thing that he has done, he will have to pay out alimony per­ma­nently and all these years he wanted to keep the mar­riage together to get the child earns credit on Tax time and stay mar­ried long enough so that he wouldn’t have to pay child-support.

He states that he loves his daugh­ter, how­ever, he is neglect­ful when it comes time to her basic needs, food, school­ing, tutor­ing, faith, cel­e­bra­tion of her birth­days, etc. He has no real rela­tion­ship with her because he low­ers him­self down to her level and acts actu­ally worse than her. She is much more mature than he is. He acts like a child hav­ing a temper-tantrum every time he can’t con­trol her any­more or make her do what he wants. Well, she is 20 already and has set healthy boundaries.

He is very petty about both my daugh­ter and I social­iz­ing too. He is hor­ri­ble with my daugh­ter every time she wants to date, to the extreme. When I con­fronted him with his abuse and sab­b­o­tag­ing ways and said “Enough!”, that is when he would start his tirades of anger every time he came in from work, before he left for work, when he would leave for National Guard week­end drills and when he would come back from them. He would use that anger as an excuse to cheat on me. When I saw this, I said here are your things, you need to leave. Well he wouldn’t leave, he wouldn’t sleep on the couch. He is extremely strong willed and stub­born. He knew that he was hav­ing sex­ual prob­lems and used his anger to cheat to see if it was def­i­nitely him or not. Before the cheat­ing occurred, we had gone to a Urol­ogy Spe­cial­ist for him to get tested. Well he went for the first visit, the doc­tor stated that he was impo­tent, he had injured his main nerve him­self because of the way he was tak­ing care of him­self, how­ever, the other prob­lem the doc­tor felt was pos­si­bly psy­cho­log­i­cal. How can a man who is in self-denial about alot of issues that doesn’t know how to love him­self, know how to love some­one else, even his own daugh­ter. Our daugh­ter has always been a good daugh­ter, respect­ful, sup­port­ive, always did what we asked, how­ever, when he would ask her to voice her own opin­ions about a sub­ject, he would get super defen­sive with her like an imma­ture teenager would.

What do you think, is it worth it?

judy pivar says

I am 70 years old and have had spine surgery and breast cancer.I take arim­idex for can­cer which leaves me dry and with no sex­ual inter­est. My hus­band is 75, has a heart con­di­tion and dia­betes. He has a low tes­terone level and takes andro­gel daily for energy. He has been impo­tent for sev­eral years now. Lately, he is telling me that he is inter­ested in sex­ual act­div­ity again, but I do not seem to have any inter­est. What do you recomment

Infinity says

I don’t have a part­ner and haven’t had one so this is hypo­thet­i­cal. But I have always felt repelled by sex. The rea­son­ing that it’s nat­ural and every­one does it, doesn’t cut it. It’s still repel­lent to me. Now I have no prob­lem with this per­son­ally, and can do with­out hap­pily ever after, espe­cially that I have never wanted chil­dren either. But I have a solid guess that my future bond­mate, should I have one, won’t be too happy about it. I also was never able to under­stand what’s so plea­sur­able about kiss­ing. Looks to me like the total oppo­site. And that said, I’ve never been molested or had any sim­i­lar unpleas­ant expe­ri­ences, also I’m not a teenager any­more. I’ve just been this way like for­ever. I don’t feel like I’m miss­ing out on any­thing, I would be ever so happy to have a boyfriend for a solely pla­tonic rela­tion­ship, but I sup­pose that isn’t feasible.

Joseph P. DiEva says

My wife told me “Joe, I love you SO MUCH , I can fully accept the fact that you may never be able to work again because of your age (I am in my fifty“s) so lets just get mar­ried! I WAS NOT , AND AM STILL WORKING , BUT LOOKING!!!!!!
Two weeks after we were mar­ried , she told me that “WHEN YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF ME , I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU ( SEXUALLY)
INTERESTINGLY ENOUGH , I WAS TAKING CARE OF HER AT THAT POINT , FROM THE MONEY I GOT FROM THE SALE OF MY HOUSE!
I PAID HER CREDIT CARDS OFF TWICE , AND PAID FOR A WHOLW LOT MORE!
WHAT DOES ONE DO IN THIS SITUATION?

Mark says

Who cares. I have my own ups and downs in life and the last thing I need to read about is what per­cent­age of who is happy with whom their with. What a point­less e-mail. Read every­ones answer, then ask your­self how do you feel? I feel drained and down. Every­one thinks they have the answer. An answer is a sim­ple thing to come up with for a prob­lem that can take a great deal of time to evolve to of which are all dif­fer­ent. Sorry Burt, you can’t catago­rize my life or pin a stat on me, I don’t work in the norm. Is it just me or ??

kay says

I am 51 have been see­ing my boyfriend for about 18 months on and off he is 48 we have amaz­ing sex and it is because of that we have made an effort to make our rela­tion­ship work as I have 2 chil­dren one of whom still lives at home with me, he is 16. It is hard at times to bal­ance all the things that are hap­pen­ing in your life. I find through hav­ing amaz­ing sex it helps open my heart to love him on a deeper level. He has shown me how great sex can be, I’ve had a lot of sex­ual partner’s before and enjoyed sex with them all, but even I have been blown away at how great it can be when you are hav­ing it with some one you can trust 100% and is capa­ble of giv­ing freely and receiv­ing freely. I also have found it makes me a bet­ter per­son when I’m get­ting my rocks off so to speak. I even look younger when I’m get­ting that reg­u­lar lov­ing. even my friends have noticed the dif­fer­ence in me.

Colin says

Mak­ing love is sacred. Birth is a mir­a­cle of Jeho­vah. Ahavah.
Monogamous.

ernesto says

these are all hang ups in life, there is no escape in this kind of reality.

Patricia Eppenbrock says

Dear­est Burt,
I’m sorry but to be per­fectly hon­est I can not choose just one answer to your Guru’s question.I find that at times my rela­tion­ship with my Sig­nif­i­cant other falls in all three catagories (and pos­si­bly more). Gen­er­ally we are quite happy and enjoy each other in most aspects of our lives together. Through the ups and downs, good and bad, He and I are still very con­nected.….…
Thank-You,
Patricia

Judi says

My hus­band is impo­tent due to dia­betes. I’m not going to aban­don him due to health issues as I mar­ried him in good health or bad. His actions show me that he loves me and takes care of me and I love him. There is more to rela­tion­ships than sex. I take care of my own needs and am happy for the hugs and kisses we share.

Jeannie says

My hus­band and I met at Ananda Med­i­ta­tion Vil­lage. I med­i­tated on him for 6 weeks before he asked me to marry him… he thought it was all his idea, of course. We had never even kissed when we got engaged! Now we have a won­der­ful sex life 27 years later! We came to this planet to have fun, and my hus­band and I are on a per­pet­ual sec­ond hon­ey­moon! Our mar­riage is very roman­tic, even after all these years.

Ardee says

Some­one made a com­ment about celibacy and only a cou­ple of oth­ers alluded to it. Nobody ever wants to talk about it, as if there’s some­thing wrong to choose to be celi­bate. Our cul­ture is so over-sexualized.

Don’t get me wrong, sex is great and a bless­ing in the right sit­u­a­tion.
But hav­ing been celi­bate (by choice) for the past 15 years, I’ve never been happier.

Not hav­ing to expend so much energy look­ing for sex, think­ing all day about sex, try­ing to have sex all the time, even in a lov­ing rela­tion­ship, (been there, done that and can’t imag­ine going there again) gives one a deep sense of peace. I can’t even express the peace…

Jazzy says

Love and sex are gifts to be appre­ci­ated and enjoyed through­out a lov­ing rela­tion­ship. For those who are mar­ried and say they aren’t attracted to their spouse, or don’t have sex because they don’t want to … what in the world are you think­ing? How does your spouse feel about your feel­ings — or have you been as hon­est with the per­son who’s made a life­long com­mit­ment to you as you have on an open forum with a bunch of strangers?

Unless one of you is sick, incar­cer­ated, the other per­son has ter­ri­ble hygiene — which you prob­a­bly knew prior to mar­riage, the other per­son has a sex­u­ally trans­mit­ted dis­ease, they are abu­sive or have per­ver­sions you can’t tol­er­ate — in which case you’d be bet­ter to leave, or it’s a prior arrange­ment to which you both agreed, there doesn’t seem to be a real­is­tic or log­i­cal rea­son not to have sex with the per­son who loves you and made a life­long com­mitt­ment to you. A healthy mar­i­tal rela­tion­ship includes a lov­ing sex­ual rela­tion­ship — not “tol­er­a­ble” sex you put up with because it’s been so long you feel you have to. It isn’t a com­plete lack of sex either. It’s not right to marry some­one and have them find you’re not attracted to them after they’ve mar­ried you and made a life long com­mit­ment to you! At the very least try to con­sider what would it do for your sense of self esteem if the sit­u­a­tion were reversed? And try to con­sider what you’re doing to the other person!

I hope you real­ize the per­son you mar­ried can anull the mar­riage at any point if the mar­riage isn’t con­sum­mated, or divorce you if the rela­tion­ship has been con­sum­mated. If there’s not a really good rea­son, not many peo­ple will feel too sorry for you! Have you con­sid­ered the oth­ers feel­ings? It’s not just about one per­son in a marriage.

There are so many things you can do to increase your sex drive, or increase pas­sion. For good­ness sake TRY — it works –con­vince your­self you want to be with the per­son, be as kind and opti­mistic as you can pos­si­bly be for the other person’s sake — if not for any­thing else, and know even­tu­ally you might just find love with that per­son is, or can be, truly ful­fill­ing! After all, they mar­ried you in good faith, rea­son­ably expect­ing a nor­mal mar­riage and every­thing that goes along with it — which includes sex. If all else fails please release them so they can seek a per­son and rela­tion­ship they truly deserve!

For those poor women who think there isn’t any help for a lousy sex drive; go to your doc­tor and ask for testos­terone gel — it’s the #1 request among women who go to their doc­tor for some­thing other than ill­ness, and doc­tors are very under­stand­ing 99.9% of the time. Or try Maca — which can be found at any health food store — it’s an herbal cap­sule you take 1 — 3 x’s per day. It works very well, and if that doesn’t work there are other herbs which increase sex drive. For the woman in menopause who’s put on 25 pounds … your hus­band loves you, and wants to make love to you no mat­ter what. If you haven’t told him what’s both­er­ing you, he might think you find HIM unattractive!

For women with an ill­ness — there might be a way around what’s hold­ing you back. For exam­ple … inter­sti­tial cys­ti­tis — one of the few legit­i­mate rea­sons IMO for which a lack of sex is under­stand­able. In case you don’t know what it is, and won­der, it’s an ago­niz­ingly painful blad­der dis­or­der, which has caused many a per­son to take their own lives because the pain is so unre­lent­ing and excru­ti­at­ing. It is so ter­ri­ble many women fear sex, but trust me sex won’t make it worse — it’s the ten­sion you feel about hav­ing sex which makes things worse. For the short term, try drink­ing a cou­ple of tsp of bak­ing SODA in water. It will nor­mal­ize the blad­der acid­ity, and put the fire out so you can feel bet­ter about sex. Talk to your doc­tor about an anti-anxiety med­ica­tion — like Xanax. For those with chronic pain, find a doc­tor who’s will­ing to treat the pain ade­quately — heck what male doc­tor wouldn’t sym­pa­thize with you!? For those with alo­dy­nia or painful inser­tion, order a vibra­tor online, and see if you can’t find work­ing with that help­ful in alle­vi­at­ing the pain or fear. (make sure it has both cli­toral, as well as vagi­nal stim­u­la­tion. For exam­ple the kind of vibra­tor that’s call a “rab­bit”) There’s noth­ing “wrong” or “dirty” about using a vibra­tor — if you think there is maybe that’s the “tip” of your prob­lems sur­round­ing sex. But if you just plain don’t wanna — tough! That per­son com­mit­ted to you, deserves every­thing he expected in a mar­i­tal rela­tion­ship, and sex is part of a nor­mal, healthy, LOVING rela­tion­ship. I’m not say­ing “spread ‘em” — that’s not my men­tal­ity, what I’m say­ing is, for the sake of the other per­son you com­mit­ted to, get the right mind­set, get the help you need to make things right if that’s what it will take, and have the mar­riage every nor­mal per­son desires, looks for­ward to, and should be able to expect.

BTW, I’m a woman — not a man, in case any­one got this far and won­dered. My hus­band and I have been mar­ried over 20 years and have a large fam­ily by todays stan­dards. Sex hasn’t always been the great­est — or even good for that mat­ter because I have inter­sti­tial cys­ti­tis and chronic pain. I was sex­u­ally abused as a teen, and there are other issues which my hus­band has been very under­stand­ing about. The thing is … because I love my hus­band so much I’ve worked really hard to have the right mind­set. I’ve sought the help I needed in order to love my hus­band the way he deserves to be loved because I find him to be such a won­der­ful per­son. I think though, it goes both ways — if I hadn’t tried so hard I wouldn’t have suc­ceeded at being the wife my hus­band deserves, and because I worked to over­come the things that would stop many woman from hav­ing sex, I have acheived the things I wanted for both of us, and in turn it’s made our mar­riage MUCH hap­pier. As a bonus our chil­dren see what a suc­cess­ful, lov­ing rela­tion­ship looks like, hear what it sounds like to have par­ents who truly love each other, and know what it feels like to be in a fam­ily where the par­ents speak lov­ingly to each other, have respect for one another, and work together for the well being of the mar­riage and fam­ily. As a result our chil­dren are well adjusted, have a nice group of friends, feel good about them­selves, speak openly with us, and have good rela­tion­ships and com­mu­ni­ca­tion with both gen­ders of their peers and adults. They are smart and work hard at school; don’t want to dis­ap­point us, they’re well liked by teach­ers, and get good grades. Also it’s my opin­ion that they will grow up to seek the same for them­selves, and run the other way from a poten­tially abu­sive rela­tion­ship. You might be laugh­ing and think­ing obvi­ously we don’t have teen agers, but we have 2, and they’re great kids — we enjoy them, and they (usu­ally) enjoy us. They feel good about hav­ing friends over, and their friends like us and feel they can talk to us.

Those are just some of the ben­e­fits of a lov­ing mar­i­tal rela­tion­ship. If there’s any­thing hold­ing you back after hear­ing it can have the added ben­e­fit of well adjusted kids who actu­ally LIKE their par­ents, then I don’t know what would change your mind! Prob­a­bly nothing.

I’m not mak­ing judge­ments about those with ill­ness, prob­lems of abuse, drink­ing or drug prob­lems, or any­thing of the like. But life is just so much hap­pier if you have a happy mar­riage, and there’s a lot you can do to make things go that way if you’re both will­ing to work at it.

Ken says

Hi Burt,
I have found my soul mate. we love each other uncon­di­tion­ally. every­day is bright and new. true love does not have time for dis­agree­ments, just accep­tence. we focus on the other not self. Thanks for all your information.

L.Abdulrify D says

My friend Burt,

I’m a man of 83 and this year will reach the age of 84. My lovely spouse has made her tran­si­tion at the age of 71 in August 8th, 1999, the same year Jose Silva did his tran­si­tion to the unlim­ited dimen­sion. We’ve had a won­der­full mar­riage for near 47 years and hav­ing 5 lovely childeren, 4 girls and one son. Just as life is with­out a spir­i­tual ele­ment, so is sex life.

At a young age my opin­ion is that we look at the other sex based on a “bio­log­i­cal” per­for­mance. You see that she/he is pretty — hand­some and attract eachother through a phys­i­cal look.

The so called “Love” is then based on a “bio­log­i­cal” ele­ment. But when that changes by the time caused by phy­cial age and other changes like face that is grow­ing older, atti­tude and other kinf of performance.….then that bio­log­i­cal “Love” will fade away. And as has been done at such a sit­u­a­tion, we’re look­ing for a younger look­ing indi­vid­ual that stim­u­late our sex life, isn’t it?

But when at the very first time “bio­log­i­cal love” has been emerged with a “Men­tal Love” based on spir­i­tual per­for­mance, then it’ll over­ride that bio­log­i­cal love. No mat­ter what hap­pen, you’ll feel ONE with eachother and you know deeply that with­out “Men­tal Love” there will be the lim­i­ta­tion of time and space.

My spouse said before she dies, that we’ll be always together, and no space and time will sep­a­rate us so to say. With our devel­oped minds, we “see” eachother at any time we need, through dreams and also through our spi­ti­tual eyes. My childern knows that and they also didn’t feel seper­ated through death. LOVE at a spir­i­tual base is intens and has no lim­its of time and space, if you could under­stand what I mean.

Many divorces has been based on that “Bio­log­i­cal Love” and this has to be edu­cated for the next gen­er­a­tion. Thanks to “the Higher Intel­li­gence” to appoint Jose Silva in his endeav­our to invent the “New sci­ence”, named Psy­chori­en­tol­ogy, that could help human­ity i reach­ing a per­fect life on the base of “pos­i­tiv­ity” rather than the con­trary. Agree in this category?

Thank you,
Rify.

Mae Jenkins says

Hi Burt!
Thank’s for keep­ing the minds STAMULATED A few of us did not fit any of the cat­e­gory above.Celibacy is a gift in a soci­ety such as ours,Soulmates? Where ‚How,When do we seek?
If we seek, Will we find???
Love­ingly
Mae

Nora says

Boy oh boy!! Burt, You really touch on some­thing that can bring out real dark think­ing and strange con­cepts.
Me, I am just a sin­gle per­son for the last 29 years. I am very lonely now because all my chil­dren are on their own.
So, I pray for a real SOULMATE,a trully spir­i­tual and phys­i­cal com­pan­ion capa­ble of enjoy­ing all the good­ies that God made avail­able for us to enjoy.

Nicole says

I am mar­ried since 35 years. I do not look one day over 45. I love
my hus­band very much but he is cheat­ing on me with men. I have the proof. I can­not imag­ine my life with­out him. Sex was never great
with him. I had some insignif­i­cant affairs when I though I would divorce him. But I just can­not do it. I over­heard him say­ing that
he was like a young men sex­u­ally. When we still had sex, it was never more often than once every 2 or 3 weeks. He said that we did
not need that to love each other. My whole life, I had been deprieve from sex. He says that he could not live with­out me!!!!!!!!! Please help me. Give me some guid­ance. I am too young to
live like that.

shirley says

#2 is my catagory. my hus­band had proste surgery and has­not done sex with me for at least 10 years. I am an insulin depen­tant diebetic with nuero­phy so sex is not that impor­tant to me either. Mar­ried for 44 years. He shows his love by being My soul­mate and spoil­ing me with break­fast every morning.

irene says

It took me a long time to finally know what really love is and once you find it you will fall into cat­e­gory # 1 .

Rick Garzaniti says

I don’t know why, but sex has NEVER been a major inter­est for me, not in high school or in col­lege. When I was sta­tioned in Viet­nam, my friends learned I had never been with a woman, so they took me into DaNang on my 23rd birth­day and paid a pros­ti­tute to “do me”. There might be a total of 10 women I’ve been with since then (I’m 60). I was sur­prised that, many times while doing it with dif­fer­ent girl­friends, the thought would hit me, “What am I doing to this poor girl?” Then, to com­pli­cate things even more, along came AIDS and con­doms. I cer­tainly don’t want AIDS, and who­ever said that using a con­dom is like tak­ing a shower while wear­ing a rain­coat was dead-on. I really can­not feel any­thing while wear­ing a con­dom. Sex is sim­ply not fun for me. When come­dian George Burns was asked what sex was like at 90, he replied, “Hav­ing sex at 90 is like shoot­ing pool with a rope.” So, I’ll hap­pily con­tinue to pur­sue a rela­tion­ship with my Cre­ator — a rela­tion­ship that will never die.

KIKI says

Look­ing amongst my friends, I am one of the few whom live in an awe­some rela­tion­ship with the most beau­ti­ful lov­ing car­ing nur­tur­ing man ever… yet we have an open rela­tion­ship, on every level… no jeal­ously or own­er­ship of another per­son. We are united by our hearts, and every­thing else is just extra life expe­ri­ences… and then we con­nect again from our heart energy.

Being in this phe­nom­e­nal rela­tion­ship with my part­ner, I also have the plea­sure of hav­ing lovers on the side… reg­u­lar lovers, I expe­ri­ence healthy tantric sex, group sex and more. I am lucky that there is noth­ing I have not expe­ri­enced sex­u­ally. Let me repeat that, noth­ing I have not expe­ri­enced sex­u­ally.. right there, that is an amaz­ing life experience.

This was not part of my upbring­ing, I just cre­ated this lifestyle com­pletely on my own. It works fab­u­lously for me! And my part­ner. We have the most amaz­ing, deeply lov­ing and car­ing rela­tion­ship of any cou­ple I know.

How­ever you want to look at it, we are here as spir­i­tual beings in a phys­i­cal body. Why not explore the joys and bliss of being in your BODY. Expe­ri­ence All the sen­sa­tions and plea­sures of being human and of the flesh. Find that inter­nal and exter­nal g-spot as often as you can.. why not?

I am in a secure, lov­ing, emo­tion­ally mature rela­tion­ship where all the shar­ing and car­ing is exchanged. No jeal­ousy what so ever, each hav­ing space to grow, evolve and expand, in any way, cre­atively, and more. The funny part is…when you have com­plete and total free­dom in your rela­tion­ship, the bond between you is hon­est, sin­cere, no deceit, no jeal­ously, noth­ing to hide.. the more free­dom, the stronger the bond.

There is a deeper con­nec­tion with­out any reser­va­tions.. awesome!

We have to evolve from the mind­set that you could ever own another being, no mat­ter if it is a seri­ous rela­tion­ship or a mar­riage of any sorts.. the more free­dom you have within that bond, the more secure and won­der­ful your expe­ri­ence is together…

It all comes down to choice and choos­ing joy .. liv­ing in the moment,… and shar­ing your choices with your partner.

Now for rela­tion­ships, I believe long term rela­tion­ships will always have their ups and downs, it is nat­ural and it is rep­re­sented in nature. You may have 7 amaz­ing years and one very chal­leng­ing year… just like flow­ers, some­times they have a gor­geous bloom with­out much effort and some­times they don’t bloom, they go into a ges­ta­tion period, or may need more nurturing…

Per­haps we just need a lit­tle breath­ing space for our per­sonal growth and then reconnect?

There is another thing that is hap­pen­ing within the shift­ing of con­scious­ness at this time. All struc­tures are falling down. Every­thing of the old way of think­ing and being is com­ing undone and mak­ing way for the new.

What­ever is not work­ing for your high­est and best good will fall apart. If your heart isn’t in it… it will not last for long…This is truly a time for break­ing free of all that does not serve your heart’s desires…It is a time for new struc­tures in all areas of life, busi­ness, reli­gion, spir­i­tu­al­ity, sex, rela­tion­ships, and the final fron­tier.. the mind or con­scious­ness. Every­thing is expand­ing and when that hap­pens the old falls away to some­thing new.

Wel­come it, and move for­ward with your heart. It will def­i­nitely lead you in the right direc­tion. Always choose what is best for you from your heart. You can only ben­e­fit your­self as well as oth­ers if we all choose from our heart’s desires. If you are not liv­ing from your heart’s desire… let it go. If not now when?

The new rela­tion­ships will be based on heart con­nec­tions, not sta­tus, or finan­cial, or intel­lec­tual match mak­ing or pair­ing… the last­ing authen­tic lov­ing rela­tion­ships will be join­ing at the HEART. With pure uncon­di­tional love and the sex will be OUT OF THIS WORLD!!!! Because the truth is,… if your WHOLE HEART is in some­thing.. it is always PHENOMENAL. True or true?

Just a thought,

In response to this blog, I’d have to say my sex life is so juicy and ful­fill­ing you would not believe it if I shared it all and my love life is so deeply rooted in joy and bliss, I am deeply blessed.. you too can cre­ate an open, lov­ing, juicy sex-fulfilled rela­tion­ship if you choose. It starts with your heart’s desire.

Thank you for being alive on this planet at this time.

Jeanene says

Sin­gle at present.…. I enjoy my sin­gle life now. At 59 it is a bless­ing not to have some­one telling me what to do and how to do it… I have been sin­gle most of my life and always wanted to have a mate. Now I am enjoy­ing my life. Spend­ing time with my daugh­ter and my grand children…

madcreek says

I’ve been sin­gle for 10 years going on 11 — I’m rela­tion­ship shy now — scared of com­mit­ing or being in love again. It hurt so badly when the last rela­tion­ship ended. And, I can go back to that rela­tion­ship should I so choose — but that is scary too.

Ruth Miller PhD says

Dear Burt,
Wid­owed since 1992. Wid­owed also in 1976.
I would have to vote cap­tion 1 in both mar­riages.
It keeps both part­ners believ­ing that love is a great gift that they offer to each other for a life­time.
Ruth

Manoj says

Hon­estly I am in the sec­ond cat­e­gory. I have had a love mar­riage for the last 2 years. Sex life is not at all in the cart. We seem to be drift­ing away with our other responsibilities.

Michael says

Learn­ing to love myself brought me into a rela­tion­ship where after 4 years of mar­riage we still have a red hot sex life, mutual respect, nur­tur­ing, car­ing, lov­ing AND INDEPENDENCE!

When we are together it is great. When we are apart it is great. We have lived in a stu­dio apart­ment for more than 18 months now. 9 of those months I was laid off from work and my wife had not been work­ing (she just started a job last week). In such tight quar­ters, always in each oth­ers face…still we love each other, we don’t fight, inti­macy is high and the sex is hot.

WHY? Because we both have matured. We both have evolved. AND…we agreed to marry after only three hours of talk­ing to each other. We mar­ried before we had sex, before any sort of inti­macy, we got mar­ried in a tra­di­tional way…I am Amer­i­can but she is a woman from Ker­ala South India. I met her while on a hol­i­day there. The story of that is on my website…

http://gr8wisdom.com/a-marriage-made-in-heaven-part-i

THIS IS NOT TO BRAG…but to expose the pos­si­bil­ity for YOU! LAW OF ATTRACTION IS AT WORK! Like attracts Like. Unevolved peo­ple attract unevolved peo­ple. Grow spir­i­tu­ally and you will attract a part­ner who has also grown spir­i­tu­ally. YOUR RESULTS WILL SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES.

Love and Bless­ings,
Michael Skowron­ski
Author of Unfor­get­table: A Love and Spir­i­tual Growth Story
http://UnforgettableBook.com

pm says

I’ve been mar­ried for over 30 years. I love my hus­band very much, but since menopause, sex has become very painful for me. I am search­ing for a solu­tion, but so far none. Wish I was in the same cat­e­gory for you. Plenty of help adver­tised for men, but never any­thing for the woman.

Vivian Mario Gunter says

Eccle­si­astes 3 : 1–8 says “There is a right time for everything…a time for this, and a time for that,etc…there is a uni­verse law for every­thing. Learn to iden­tify that law and apply it mas­ter­fully and you’ll get all the SEX you can enjoy. This means that what­ever you want to do THERE IS A PROCESS. THERE IS A RIGHT AND PROPER WAY TO DO THINGS. I’m sure Burt has some tech­niques up his sleeve to release to you about “item#2″. So let’s enjoy the process.

sita says

I have been mar­ried for the past 24 years. Love my hus­band dearly, but not at all sex­u­ally attracted to him. Hav­ing sex with my hus­band would be like com­mit­ting incest — over the years he has become very much like a brother to me. I don’t feel truly ful­filled and real­ize that some­thing is really miss­ing. But don’t know what to do; don’t want to cheat on him, don’t want to break up with him either Guess one can­not always have every­thing in life. work­ing on devel­op­ing spir­i­tu­al­ity does help.

sandra says

I’ve been mar­ried for about 30 years. I’ve been on the verge of leav­ing for the last cou­ple of years, but lately I’m feel­ing as though there are lessons to be learned here, and maybe I should just get on with learn­ing them — or maybe I’m just too tired to leave!

My hus­band is a peace-at-any-price sort of guy — doesn’t want to talk through any issues or make any changes, so it feels as though there is nowhere to go with the rela­tion­ship. He’s quite happy to talk about the weather… If I’m hon­est with myself, I feel very sad, neglected, unloved, aban­doned — but no point in dwelling on that! No sex for the last around 5–6 years — with­out ways of clear­ing the rela­tion­ship, I’m not pre­pared to abuse myself by indulging in sex (tried it once, and it felt ter­ri­ble!) And he prob­a­bly isn’t pre­pared to clear up the rela­tion­ship if there’s no sex!

I don’t feel I can dis­cuss this with any­one — my hus­band surely doesn’t want to know! And it would seem dis­loyal to dis­cuss it with others…

I’m look­ing at what I’ve cre­ated: on some level I must feel that this is what I deserve. To leave would give me the oppor­tu­nity to re-create the sit­u­a­tion in another rela­tion­ship — and who needs that? I also strug­gle with the idea that if I take 100% respon­si­bil­ity for my cre­ation — the cur­rent state of the “mar­riage,” that leaves him free to take 0% respon­si­bil­ity for it. It feels like too much hard work — it would be much sim­pler to be on my own!

So I’m work­ing on myself — my self-esteem, tak­ing Bach flower reme­dies to clear myself, med­i­tat­ing (and lots of other work) — with the inten­tion of chang­ing the sit­u­a­tion. I’m choos­ing to think of my hus­band as my teacher. The other aspect of it is that I don’t yet have a clear men­tal pic­ture of how I want the rela­tion­ship to be — cer­tainly don’t have any role mod­els that inspire me! Not even sure where to look…

Right now I can’t quite see how it’s all going to hap­pen, but it does seem to be get­ting a lit­tle better…

I’m sure there are some mind-viruses evi­dent to those wiser than myself — any input would surely be appreciated.

Diana says

Cur­rently sin­gle miss my sex as I was always more ener­gised happy full­filled focused cre­ative then. On my wish list I wish to meet my soul mate so I may enjoy that inti­macy & love once again . Im 60 look 43 exer­cise daily say my grat­i­tude pray daily thank the uni­verse for its daily bless­ings. Where is my soul­mate ? Burt ‚if you meet him send him to Aus­tralia ‚I am wait­ing, I love life and what it has to offer. So much nicer shar­ing ‚i miss my cud­dles and daily play time.Love your site & all the great information.

scotte says

Burt! We need you help again. Because I love my sweet­heart, but…you got it — need help.

Lezlie says

Well Burt:
Do you have an answer for the #2’s? We’re going on 14 yrs. I got mar­ried over 40 for the 1st time, so sex was never a major thing for either of us (at that age). Now that I’m into menopause (and have put on 25lbs) I have very litle desire for sex. My Hus­band doesn’t push the issue at all, how­ever it still makes me feel badly. There is alot of help out there for men’s issues, not much for wom. w/no desire. If you’ve got a solu­tion I’m listening…

skip says

DEAR BURT I LOVE EVERY BEING GOD PUT ON THIS UNIVERSE AND ALL UNIVERSES WE ARE ONE AND ALL CONNECTED WITH THE SUPREME IF WE REALIZE THIS GUESS WHAT WOULD HAPPEN PEACE&LOVE SKIP

Salah says

Dear Burt, For once, you have tapped into the bare truth of the bio­log­i­cal life of humans. Appar­ently, a great sig­nif­i­cant sub­ject. How­ever, don’t you think it is all in the mind? No doubt, the chem­i­cal and bio func­tions hap­pen the way it is designed to hap­pen by our Cre­ator or the Super-intelligence if you pre­fer. And still, sex is sec­ondary to the true rela­tion­ships that exist at the men­tal, spir­i­tual and emo­tional level that lead to a bio­log­i­cal manifestation.

Leila says

Hi Burt,

If you find your part­ner endur­ingly sexy you have found the right per­son to spend your life with. Espe­cially if your part­ner agrees.

Betty says

I have to admit post hit a but­ton with me. I have been mar­ried for less than a year. I don’t think I have ever been attracted to my hus­band. Some­times I can force attrac­tion but not often enough. I don’t know how to solve this prob­lem. I love and care for him very deeply. I don’t want a divorce. I just want my attrac­tion to match my feel­ings of love for him.

If there is any­thing I learned from this. Love doesn’t equal sex­ual attrac­tion. Sex­ual attrac­tion doesn’t equal love.

sysy says

at the end of a six year rela­tion­ship because of his mar­ried chil­dren –a very jeal­ous daugh­ter and son and their families–I have been threat­ened and tor­mented by these kids and he wont go against them because they are his fam­ily even after his son threat­ened to put a bul­let in my head if I moved in with him–there are alot of sick peo­ple out there

Yaaruh says

I believe that most peo­ple believe that after a cer­tain age sex should not be on their list of things to do with or for one another. I believe that this is the key to a mean­ing­ful rela­tion­ship not just phys­i­cally but emo­tion­ally. Sex may not be all there is to a rela­tion­ship but it is the clue that gives that per­son the extra strength they need to go on. Love is such a frag­ile thing and when nur­tured and given that extra lit­tle touch it makes a dif­fer­ence how a per­son inter­acts with oth­ers. I am cur­rently sin­gle but I rec­og­nize that a rela­tion­ship is build on the phys­i­cal as well as the emo­tional and hope to be found or find a part­ner that can appre­ci­ate the beauty of inti­macy. Also sex is more than the act itself it involves touch­ing and laugh­ter and just the mere pres­ence of another some­times this can be just as excit­ing as the phys­i­cal act of love is involved. Thank you Burt for allow­ing oth­ers to revisit the bliss of intimacy.

Verena says

I’m sin­gle since my part­ner and father of my chil­dren passed away 9 years ago. I’ve raised my chil­dren from age 14, 12 and 5 years old by myself.
My youngest daugh­ter is still with me — I’m sure there is a part­ner out there for me and I’m look­ing for­ward to meet him.
I’ve lived in my young days 13 years in Africa — I think I’ve had and will have the best of every­thing and look­ing for­ward into my future with a pos­i­tive feel­ing. Thank’s Burt for touch­ing that subject!

Sandra Lane says

hi Burt,
I fall into cat­e­gory one I met my part­ner nine years ago and we have been liv­ing together for about three I met him rather late in life, but I am so glad I waited all this time as he is my soul­mate never before have I met some­one who is so per­fect for me. He is my best friend, my lover and my part­ner all rolled into one as I am his.

Dr. Frank R. Durr says

I fall into Cat 2; not because I want to but then, I’m 81 years old. Can you help me?

Frank

Gustav Skurdal says

If this cite closes off truth, it is not of the higher light. Those you lead hrugh guid­ance, although your inten­tions may be well, can result in a bondage unto your­self. But dear Mr. Burt, you hve your lib­erty too. Gus.

Gustav Skurdal says

Sex­u­al­ity is of the beastal por­tion of man, and is usu­ally based on lust. It is the lower self. Such mat­ters is not of the higher heav­ens, but of the lower spir­its of what men called “dark­ness.” Such sex­ual ten­den­cies cre­ate a bondage upon the cor­po­real death and keeps those from ris­ing into the higer heav­ens for 50, 100, even 1000 or more years. It can even cause the spirit to suf­fer the “true death” by remain­ing here on earth, like plac­ing can­dle into a closet and clos­ing the door, thus alloin the earth’s darkne to con­sume all the light and te spirit to cease to be. When men seek the Cre­ator directly, learn to purify them­selves and cast off “self” to become a “true human being” such per­son has no lust­ful crav­ings that would bind them after death. They have no worldly wants or needs, because they walk in the spirit world more than on this earthly plane. Prob­lem is, most peo­ple seek worldly desires, pas­sions, lusts, and emo­tions that tie them to this earth because it deals with the car­nal por­tion, not spir­i­tual por­tion. ‘If you are car­nal you are bound unto death; if you are spir­i­tual you are bound unto life,’ is what most Chris­t­ian bibles hold. A spir­i­tual per­son that teaches sex­u­al­ity deals with the lower realms and the lower spir­its, thus the earth, and such will bind those fol­low­ing that advise to this earth after the cor­po­real death. When indi­vid­u­als learn to open their senses to see the spirit world, and see the bondages of men, such a per­son does not wish any such thing. Myself, I seek sex­less­ness through purifi­ca­tion so I can ‘psy­chi­cally hear’ the Creator’s voice. What oth­ers do is up to them because every per­son over 14 has their lib­erty to choose their own path.
A per­son who is of a spir­i­tua make-up of the higher realms, even if they marry, only applies sex for pur­pose of pro­cre­at­ing to cre­ate a new life. How­ever, most peo­ple do not truly under­stand spir­i­tu­al­ism because they believe they are spir­i­tual just because they call on some man. The term means what it states. A spir­i­tual per­son is a per­son that opens up hi or her senses to the spiit worlds around him or her. Major­ity of soci­ety havo such under­stand­ing and are miled by such terms through reli­gions. How­ever, if peo­ple wish to enjoy sex­ual rela­tions, again, that is up to them. Those that are lack­ing ‘lack’ because they have closed their spir­i­tual door­ways (called chakras) because of block­ages that could relate back sev­eral gen­er­a­tions from fam­ily mem­bers or oth­ers. Such indi­vid­u­als should locate books on chakras, and pos­si­bly some­one knowl­edge­able that can help open the doors. If those lack­ing in their rela­tion­ship learns to open their doors their entire rela­tion­ship would change for the bet­ter. Again, I am inter­ested in attun­ing to my Creator,but I’d be hppy to help any­one who would like the Cre­ator, the I AM, (THROUGH ME) to help them. Enjoy!

thanaw says

1. the hard­est is to be honest.excuses and ratio­nal­iza­tions are ram­pant.
2. irri­ta­tion is the nature of life. it is not if, it is when.
3. the nor­mal response to irri­ta­tion is to squash them..arousal irri­ta­tion, roman­tic irri­ta­tion, loive irritation..don’t tell me love does not irri­tate. then refer to # 1.
4. all chal­lenges are poten­tial illu­sions that need to become real­ity. even the desire to have a ‘good sex life’.
5. soci­ety has to (re)define rules regard­ing sex and the sex acts (relationship)and bring them out into the open rather than the play them by ear sta­tus quo. mean­ing (re)-valuation of the value of or for sex at dif­fer­ent age group or rela­tion­ship.
6. all rela­tion­ship con­sumes time, energy, resources and wisdom..out of all of them the most impor­tant ingre­di­ent is ‘energy’. lack­ing or poor level of that will inca­pac­i­tate us.
7. Burt, how do you improve your level of energy. assum­ing you have 100% at birth, what is your energy level now ? how would you mea­sure them ? how would you con­trol, increase, tran­form them ?
6.

jude says

up, down and round about. Rela­tion­ships go through phases of inten­sity and then las­si­tude depend­ing on what is going on in the lives of the part­ners. Like a dance where there are slow…slow..quick…quick steps. There has to be com­mu­ni­ca­tion and trust and when one or the other feels a lit­tle needy of more con­tact I have found it best just to talk about my feel­ings in a non-accusatory but ques­tion­ing way with my part­ner. No games just straight talk about why we are not being as inti­mate as we once were.If there is good will on both sides things usu­ally work out.People get busy, pre­oc­cu­pied and just plain pooped after tough days and inti­macy has a ten­dency to take a back seat to just hit­ting the sack and pass­ing out.If that is the prob­lem a lit­tle reor­ga­ni­za­tion and sched­ul­ing of cud­dling time, some sweet,sexy talk dur­ing the stand­ing up times before bed with sug­ges­tive themes and know­ing glances helps set the mood and no push and shove expec­ta­tions or recrim­i­na­tions seems to work out just fine.

Terry Frey says

What I’ve found is that going on pre­scrip­tion med­ica­tions for high blood pres­sure, Type II dia­betes, high triglyc­erides, has played havoc with what use to be a very sat­is­fac­tory libido. This is the rea­son that over the last few years, I’ve lost weight(about 50 lbs), changed my diet, and recently I’ve been going on sup­ple­ments that are sup­pose to help reduce blood pres­sure, cho­les­terol, triglyc­erides, improve my pro­cess­ing of sugar and get me off of the generic glu­cophage. I’m still look­ing to get off of Avo­dart and Flo­max for enlarged prostate. At 64 I am feel­ing bet­ter than I did in my 50s; how­ever, I really want to legit­i­mately be able to get off the pre­scribed drugs and con­tinue to lose weight and increase my energy. Then hope­fully the sex life will once again be back to nor­mal or even bet­ter.
Dr. J. Terry Frey
PS … I have no hes­i­ta­tion to speak with any­one who is hon­est and open about their human­ity, spir­i­tu­al­ity, mind or body.

Arthienyer L. Fraser says

I have been mar­ried and divorced twice. Also, I have been in a long term rela­tion­ship for the past ten years with a well rounded man. Our rela­tion­ship started out very sex­ual, but over the years it has waned. It is unfor­tu­nate that we allow “life,” work, etc. to get in the way of just liv­ing our life on a daily basis. My boyfriend and I are dis­cussing ways to bring sex back into the rela­tion­ship because we do care and love each other very much and do not want the rela­ton­ship to totally falter.

Burt, I look for­ward to fur­ther com­mu­ni­ca­tion about this subject.

Peace and Bless­ings
Arthienyer

Sandy says

Love my parents…but, already broke up…not a choice but that’s when I’m at…

vincent conlon says

my sex life is on the up and up.we can only see each other at the week­end but we’re start­ing to get into a bit of tantric sex which is grand.My dad, who’s about 80, is strug­gling a bit. you know what i mean, so Burt if you’re still blast­ing away, good on you!. no dis­re­spect meant.

Katie says

My sex life has never been soo great! Ihave been ith the man I’m mar­ried to now for 3 years. We don’t miss a day with­out hav­ing sex. We have missed 3 days in the past 8 months. I am a firm believer that hav­ing daily sex makes you closer and argu­ments are not as lik­ley to occur. It brings us closer together. I can feel the release of horomones and other things through­out my body. I can tell that when it’s missed for a day my mood can be foul eas­ily. It has helped with my depres­sion and over all made me more ener­getic. And it’s exer­cise too! You can’t beat that! Oh, so you have a litte info on me I have a 14 year age dif­fer­ence between my husband.I am 29 and he is 43, so I keep him young.

Sig says

Sex is no big deal. Its great, don’t get me wrong. but it is just enter­tain­ment — some­thing to do. I’ve never seen what love has to do with it. I’ve been mar­ried 34 years and dur­ing the late 70’s had an “open mar­riage” that was pop­u­lar at the time and I saw no dif­fer­ence between sex with my hus­band or with oth­ers. Except per­haps skill level.

Pete Hughes says

Hi Burt

Thanks for the stim­u­lat­ing topic.

A bit of a con­tro­ver­sial state­ment you made at the end there.

How are you defin­ing ‘truly ful­filled’ and how do you know that what you con­sider to be ful­fil­ment is the same as what any­one else con­sid­ers to be fulfilment?

Pete

Arie says

Burt, you are right because,as you say:relationships are the most impor­tent part of anyone’s life and with a poor sex
life with your part­ner on a reg­u­lar basis, your life will never be truly ful­filled. I advise to every one to read,
(EVEN IF HE IS AN ATHEIST) about the rela­tion­ship and the sex life in the first book of Don­ald Walsh:CONVERSATION WITH GOD.

Arie

bernard p j says

Par­ents demised before get­ting entan­gled. No expe­ri­ence. May be on my next birth or when vis­it­ing the next par­al­lel uni­verse.
Burt, I must seek your advise on how you keep going sat­is­fac­to­rily at your age. I am a few years younger to you but strug­gling to catch up. Slow like the tortoise.

Charles says

I have benn mar­ried to my wife for 21 years. We grow each day in our devo­tion to our rela­tion­ship as well as in our devo­tion to our indi­vid­ual per­sonal hap­pi­ness BECAUSE that is our INTENTION! We were both mar­ried before and lived the unen­light­ened rela­tion­ship, i.e. focused on every­thing that doesn’t mat­ter and the drama that kind of focus brings. We both broke free of that mun­dane life energy killing illu­sion choos­ing to be alone if need be rather than dying a life long slow death. We each fall off that upward bound path from time to time but we lov­ingly but firmly remind the other that OUR com­mit­ment is to per­sonal and mutual spir­i­tual growth and enlight­en­ment and make the adjust­ments required to remain on that path. And oh yes, our sex life is fan­tas­tic and alive and we are pas­sion­ately in love, BECAUSE that is our INTENTION.

Elizabeth says

Dear Burt,
1). the ones in an inti­mate rela­tion­ship are very lucky, they have each other. They can share.
2). those in an indif­fer­ent rela­tion­ship with­out intimcy are still lucky. They have each other they can talk with.
3). those that are break­ing up are still very lucky. They still have each other no mat­ter where they are in the world.

You missed the ones who have lost their loved ones through death. We live each and every day with our good mem­o­ries of the good times, the fun we had , the things we shared, the places we vis­ited, etc. All it takes every day is to say to the other: “I love you.” This the last thing we said to each other before going to work in the morn­ing. And we meant it.

I believe the results you got. This is the time for peo­ple to wake up before it’s too late.

Diana says

Your study does not sur­prise me. I am divorced and have vowed to never marry again because I was sooo mis­er­able and it cost me sooo much per­son­ally and financially.

I am the hap­pi­est I have ever been as a sin­gle per­son again.

Drew says

I am for­tu­nate that our rela­tion­ship con­tin­ues to be based on com­mit­ment — we are miss­ing some of the respect I know we would like to have, and our sex lives are non-existent as a cou­ple. Do I feel that we are miss­ing out. BIG TIME! I recently heard about a min­is­ter who ordered his parish cou­ples to be sex­u­ally inti­mate with each other every day for a week! Feed­back was that hav­ing his bless­ing, as it were, and his encour­age­ment, allowed peo­ple to related to each other inti­mately more than many had for some time. The pos­i­tive feed­back was impres­sive. I could point to dozens of excuses why my wife and are not inti­mate — just tak­ing the first step back seems mon­u­men­tal. WHY? Wrong ques­tion — HOW do we find our way to inti­macy, then?

P.S. To all those who are also suf­fer­ing or mak­ing excuses — bless you! We all want inti­macy — we are made that way! Rather than deny it, let’s be open to ways to heal and make our lives bet­ter! Peace -

Karen says

Some of us make a choice from among the options avail­able where we were, how­ever many years ago the rela­tion­ship and the mar­riage began. If great sex wasn’t among the choices, but deep love, respon­si­bil­ity, devot­ed­ness and occa­sional OK sex came with the “pack­age”, then that was a choice which could be made and lived with. If the sex has slowly eroded away, but the devo­tion, deep love, respect and other pos­i­tive aspects have remained — well, that’s another choice, isn’t it.…

Keith says

Comes as nat­ural as breath­ing; I chuckle at the fact that our beliefs can actu­ally sti­fle this won­der­ful gift; bring­ing unnec­es­sary guilt to those who have many restric­tions in life. Being almost 60 in life, I have never had health issues with any of my body parts due to lack of use. Burt, I agree with the pre­vi­ous post, You have stirred up a bee’s nest this time. All of our issues in life gen­er­ally occur between our ears, this sub­ject has been so hush-hush, that no won­der peo­ple are per­plexed as to their con­duct with sex. My hats off to the young man who has returned from a tantric 3 day adven­ture. Some­thing that will be a bless­ing for the remain­der of his life.

Levis says

Hi Burt well I am mar­ried for the passe 29 years I was in a happy mariage for abouth 16 years we have two daugther I all way beleive that chil­drent were and are great gift of the cre­ator ( God ) so when my mar­riage fail I still hang in there for my chil­drent they are beau­ty­full and great per­son now this year one is 24 years old they other is 18 years old they both are grad­u­ated one from Uni­ver­sity they other from Colege they are now on there own and they are proud of it so do I, BUT for me and my wife I had anought of it,we are both 48 years old I feel young and want a roman­tic life, but she feel old and can’t wait to retire and move into a elderly peo­ple home,actuly she had stop given me sex 10 years ago she often ask the girl if they are going to come and visit her in that home. I can’t stand that ideal and it put me into a neg­a­tive mode for me it is a con­stant stu­gle to be possitive.So I do have to make the move either I keep destroy­ing my life or I destroy her life it is con­fus­ing for me because when I maried her I was sure that I would love her for the rest of my life but I was wrong so now I am look­ing into any­thing that would put me in a con­stand pos­si­tive moon that it is why I am very inter­est­ing in your philosofy thank you.

Judith says

I am sin­gle, and I have been enjoy­ing and expe­ri­enc­ing a won­der­ful, pas­sion­ate rela­tion­ship with myself. I know what I want in a rela­tion­ship with part­ner it would be some­one to com­pli­ment what I have already.

Brenda says

cur­rently I am sin­gle.
My hus­band and I had a good rela­tion­ship at frist. We had the same goals in life, with the same desires. Our goals must had shifted. Our goals no longer were the same and we each started head­ing in diffrent direc­tions. He started to think and ack so diffrently and seem to want some­thing so diffrently in life then what I wanted. I could no longer stay with him and be true to my self.

Look­ing back. It takes more then just love. It takes com­mu­ni­ca­tion with the same goals. Just like a busi­ness part­ner. The desire to build and keep the buis­ness sucess­ful needs comu­ni­ca­tion and desire with work­ing together with one aon­ther with the sames goals in build­ing the business.

susan says

In a rela­tion­ship where the two peo­ple are on a spir­i­tual path, sex often nat­u­rally becomes less impor­tant but still enjoyed when spoon­ta­neously engaged in. I don’t agree that ‘your life will never be truly ful­filled’ if you and your part­ner are grow­ing together and very inti­mate but not hav­ing as much reg­u­lar pas­sion­ate sex as you used to. Inti­macy is a rel­a­tive term. Inter­est­ing dis­cus­sion though…

graeme says

Hi Burt,
Iam not sur­prised at all I think the prob­lem is peo­ple don’t know how to unplug from the sys­tem. The mind is not at peace long enough to enable part­ner­ships to enjoy and express there affec­tion in an relax­ing nat­ural way. I think peo­ple need to uncover there true integrity first, by under­stand­ing there thoughts, then they can share the com­plete­ness wholly with each other.
Graeme.

alec says

I am nearly 63, my wife a cou­ple of years younger; we’ve been mar­ried for 42 years and have three adult chil­dren. Thank­fully we are still very much in love and the inti­macy is great. We obvi­ously do not dis­cuss the issue out­side of our mar­riage, but read­ing sur­veys and reports in mag­a­zines and other pub­li­ca­tions, it seems we are way beyond the national aver­age even for peo­ple half our age. I don’t need to tell you about the pro­duc­tion of endor­phins and the ben­e­fi­cial effect they have on one’s men­tal and phys­i­cal wellbeing.

asgar says

The solu­tion is found in the present moment awareness,living in past/futurer pro­jec­tions always cer­tainly blurs the romance that is meant to be for a lifetime.

Read eck­hart tolle book: a new earth.…..eckhart won­der­fully reveals that which causes pain in rela­tion­ships is the most deep­est level,with exer­cises to be present in the moment.….

One of the hugely missed issue one can investigate,is the level of cur­rent health.
Do you tend to be more neg­a­tive than positive?,check what you eat.
Micro­bial life forms and bac­te­ria in humans have conciousness,much of the time the voices in the head,is a result of thought cre­ations which these enti­ties cre­ate in our minds,these enti­ties cover 80 per­cent of the human body,and 20 per­cent is us.

So eat­ing healthy is really incum­bant for us,and all the vital life forms in our body to func­tion fully in the most vibrant way

Asgar

PremRaj says

Beloved All, I am just back from a three day Tantra train­ing with my part­ner. Again mind blow­ing…! Tantra should be stan­dard in col­lege edu­ca­tion. Whole lotta love, Premraj.

yacov says

A rela­tion­ship takes work. It does not just hap­pen. Both peo­ple have to like and love them­selves as indi­vid­u­als. Then they have to also be com­mit­ted to the rela­tion­ship. Each of us cares about the other. Part of that car­ing is ful­fill­ing the other’s sex­ual needs. We do this by search­ing for ways to make the other happy, both in bed and out of bed. When you accom­plish the above, you will both be happy. We still are, after 37 years. How­ever, keep in mind that we still con­tinue to work at fur­ther improv­ing our rela­tion­ship. It can­not be passive.

roger says

my wife does not touch me she pulls away from me says sex is all i want she is happy with every one else does not make time for us. every­thing is my fault she is nev­ery wrong.

Jaya says

Let’s face it men and women look at fulfillment,intimacy and sex dif­fer­ently. A woman may be very happy in a mar­riage where there is a great deal of under­stand­ing and car­ing and shar­ing but no sex. The man will addi­tion­ally need a great sex­ual out­let which may or maynot be emo­tion­ally fulfilling.

The prob­lem is most men NEED good sex all the time because it some­how wired with their self esteem, self image and growth. For women on the other hand it is giv­ing the best part of them to enjoy a close­ness. Once a close­ness is estab­lished they may not need to have sex any­more. Men will how­ever need con­tin­ued assurance.

A mar­riage there­fore over a time may trans­late to respon­si­bil­ity, a promise to keep or a secure haven — depend­ing on the denials/ deceit we live to keep our lives exciting/boring.

Unless we make an effort to under­stand how and why SEX dom­i­nates our hap­pi­ness and well­be­ing, most of us will com­plain of stag­nat­ing relationships…

J says

Sex… a hot but­ton, inter­est­ing how peo­ple react to it.

I believe I am a spir­i­tual being hav­ing a human expe­ri­ence, I live in a body that has needs and urges. Sex is dirty, it is phys­i­cal, there are flu­ids, it is messy, I am an ani­mal, I do not know how to do it? what will peo­ple think? what are my con­di­tioned responses to sex and being a sex­ual being? what did my par­ents teach and demon­strate to me? All kinds of thoughts on one side of the equation.

I can con­nect to God through sex, I can con­nect to another human being through sex, can feel desire, I can be sen­sual, I can lust, I can explore my body, I can be inti­mate and expose a part of myself to some­one and let them see my true self.

I came to explore life as a human being in a body. True there is no right or wrong in what expe­ri­ences we choose for our­selves. We can be sex­ual or celi­bate or have pla­tonic rela­tion­ship or maybe we can have all the expe­ri­ences at dif­fer­ent times of our lives.

Neil says

Nice Angle..;-)
But It’s the same thing of ask­ing ‘Who is in pain’ at the hos­pi­tal emer­gency room. No doubt what the responses will be.
We are all in a quest for our own per­sonal devel­op­ment, it takes some degree of cri­sis to push us to seek for help. Going to a sem­i­nar in per­sonal devel­op­ment is an indi­ca­tion that this moti­va­tion is there. So It’s kind of nor­mal to get 80% unhappy with their rela­tion­ship.
But what it’s the con­nec­tion between hap­pi­ness, inti­macy and Sex?
Can we really say that good sex is a con­di­tion for hap­pi­ness?
Or That inti­macy is a con­se­quence of good sex?

Prabhakar says

1.For a mar­ried man always the other girl looks beau­ti­ful then his wife. I do not know why.
2. After hav­ing chil­dren urge to have sex decreases and life becomes mechan­i­cal due to somerea­son
3. Attrib­utes for a happy mar­ried life changes or mar­ried man gets trapped due to some reason

Paul says

An even scarier per­spec­tive on this is that it’s 90% of peo­ple IN A RELATIONSHIP aren’t hav­ing good sex. And based on this almost 50% aren’t in a rela­tion­ship. Which means as many as 95% of the pop­u­la­tion aren’t hav­ing a good, inti­mate relationship.

Hav­ing said that, I’m with Carol in say­ing that I don’t agree with the idea that if I’m not in an inti­mate rela­tion­ship I will never be truly ful­filled. I’ve come to the real­iza­tion that I’m prob­a­bly not cut out for a roman­tic rela­tion­ship with a woman at this stage of my expe­ri­ence. But as a lov­ing father, loyal friend to many, car­ing uncle, and ded­i­cated high school teacher my life has never been more fulfilling.

Evi says

I’m blessed:
my lov­ing wife,
my beau­ti­ful place…
Ups and downs for sure,
But it’s mainly a ques­tion of Choice!

Alain says

Burt, you just pushed a but­ton I love my wife but we do not have sex any­more even though we are in our young forty’s. There is a lot of ten­der­ness between us but no sex­ual shar­ing. I learned in 2006 that she was abused sex­u­ally by her step-father when she was 13 and this con­tin­ued until she left her home when she was 18. She felt ashamed of this even though she was the vic­tim. And me, it is like I asso­ci­ated sex with some­thing bad FOR HER. It is like we do not find the way to have fun in the bed together.

Peter Young says

Hi Bert,
Those results are world wide yhey are mind blow­ing, no won­der there is so much sad­ness in the world. I must say I am 64 and still going strong and our life is just fan­tas­tic we have a great time together in every facet of our rela­tion­ship, I am so great­ful.
cheers

Paulina says

I think that it takes two to tango. Some­times peo­ple marry for the wrong rea­sons, and then blame the other per­son when they are not happy within that rela­tion­ship. I hate to say this but it takes two peo­ple want­ing to “fix” the rela­tion­ship if it is not ful­fill­ing. It gets tir­ing to try to do it on your own if your part­ner does not want to do any­thing else, but find fault with you. Being put down is not sexy.

John Cullen says

I believe there are as many rela­tion­ships cat­e­gories as there are imag­i­na­tions. For what are we but pure com­mu­nion with each other and the world. Yet per­haps when we let fear get in the way of express­ing our true selves it is hard not to expe­ri­ence the suf­fer­ing that usu­ally is asso­ci­ated with lying to our­selves through oth­ers. It is also pos­si­ble that we try to hide from this ‘shame’ which only tends to make mat­ters worse, and waste our true poten­tial, and per­haps keep us from the part­ner dreams are made of.

I am deeply in love with my part­ner, and I do know that it is a chal­lenge for me to keep my heart open to her all the time due to my own inse­cu­ri­ties. And for a time my head was so far down in the sand that I came to close to risk los­ing what I already knew I had. But she is worth the expe­ri­ence in life and when sex is involved it is mag­i­cal all the same.

Happy to share.

P.S. Burt, I loved your discs, they helped pull me from a dark place. Thanks.

Bou says

I waited a long time for my ‘prince’ to come along — kissed a lot of frogs whist wait­ing for him too!
But now I finally know exactly how it feels to love, and be loved.
I wasn’t search­ing, nor was he. He was some­one I’d known for over a year on the inter­net, but had never thought of him in any other way than as a friend.
Then last year he came to my coun­try with another mutual friend — just for a visit to a place he has always enjoyed — and Bingo! Love at first sight!
Some­thing I’d always con­sid­ered absolute tosh, just some­thing that hap­pened in films and Mills & Boon books!
We have an inti­mate and pas­sion­ate rela­tion­ship, and above all are THE best of friends too — life just can’t offer bet­ter than that!
As for chil­dren! Through­out his­tory we par­ents have tried to save them from mak­ing our mis­takes.
I’ve come to realise they NEED to make them!
We just have to be there for when they may fall.

Dhiraj says

Sex bet­ter than ever thanks. I’m mid fifties my part­ner not quite thirty. We have a great time. It’s so impor­tant. You need to give your qual­ity of relat­ing atten­tion. So many peo­ple focus on money and work. Relat­ing and enjoy­ing phys­i­cal plea­sure is too impor­tant for your health and hap­pi­ness to take third or fourth place in the list of what you give atten­tion to.

R says

After 35 years both per­sons in a a seri­ous rela­tion­ship have changed dras­ti­cally — prob­a­bly as many times as a 7 year itch lasts, and when your pro­fes­sion and daily lives are vastly dif­fer­ent, it is a con­tin­u­ous strug­gle to stay close, espe­cially when times are a bit tough. So it needs a lot of work and com­mu­ni­cat­ing to be a real cou­ple. Inti­mate rela­tion­ships go to sleep in most rela­tion­ships for a vari­ety of rea­sons, which is a great pity, but most peo­ple put up with it, because it seems to be the over­whelm­ing norm.

Judy says

Now in our sev­en­ties, we are still starry-eyed, fully
focused and in crazy love, even after over forty years of being together. Truly enjoy­ing the world through two sets of eyes and com­bined hearts, we delight in and take care of our­selves and each other. We love to brag about still being
on our ‘hon­ey­moon’ (renewed our wed­ding vows on our 25th
anniver­sary!), and long ago rec­og­nized that our grand
pas­sion was life-affirming for oth­ers as well. We are
greatly and truly blessed to have cho­sen to live this way
’Come hell or high water’ our rela­tion­ship ‘rocks’!!! xoxoxo

Bev says

Wow Burt.…looks like you stirred up a bee’s nest on this one…I have to say I agree with you though. It has been my per­sonal expe­ri­ence that when we allow inti­macy to “be” our rela­tion­ship and are liv­ing uncon­di­tional love for our­selves and our part­ner life is wonderful…and it may or may not end in a wild romp every sec­ond of the day. But when we have let the cir­cum­stances in life become a focus and the neg­a­tiv­ity and stress creeps in then the inti­macy suf­fers and that is when we have got­ten in trou­ble. My hus­band passed away two and a half years ago and some­day I will again meet some­one who under­stands this con­cept and will be even hap­pier than I am now. Being alone can be uplifting…but hav­ing some­one to share all the won­der with is a bonus. If you are at peace within your­self and liv­ing your truth inti­macy flows along with that.…in my expe­ri­ence anyway.…sure can’t speak for any­one else. Have a won­der­ful day folks.….every sec­ond is precious.

Diana says

I truly believe that hap­pi­ness is want­ing what you have and not hav­ing what you want. Rela­tion­ships have to be worked at by both par­ties not just one. There should be no boss in the rela­tion­ship it should be part­ners 50–50.

Ryan says

If peo­ple arent hav­ing sex:

Its because they set­tle with what they think they can get
or
They dont have the skills to hook up, along with tak­ing care of them­selves to look and feel attractive.

Ryan says

Yeah I know right now I am sin­gle, but where I am going is what mat­ters. In my mind I am never single(when I visualize).

Its when my feel­ings match my desire.

I am cur­rently study­ing social dynam­ics, so I plan on being a guru for other men.

I hope all of you out their are keep­ing this area in check and look­ing at your self as wor­thy. I know I am keep­ing this in check!!!

Jane says

Sex isn‘t every­thing — many peo­ple use sex for relief from ten­sion or to drown their prob­lems. Some­where I read that there are no rela­tion­ship prob­lems its the peo­ple who have the prob­lems.
Unless we have a good rela­tion­ship with our­selveswe haven‘t a hope in hell of sus­tain­ing a good rela­tion­ship with other peo­ple and a good rela­tion­ship does not haveto include sex as some peo­ple con­sider the men­tal rela­tion­ship between them­selves and their part­ner is extremely impor­tant, if not more important.

carol says

Hey Burt,
” My life will never be truly ful­filled” Well — you’d like me to do what with this infor­ma­tion? Need­less to say I think “it aint nec­es­sar­ily so” although a rela­tion­ship adds. xo Carol

maria says

i know this…maybe the % of peopele that have a Inti­mate sex is very small, because why all this mad shop­ing sick­ness and adren­a­lin sports and on, and on…
NO SEX…
BUT no sex like in the porn movies of corse..it does not count!
you know!
But then , prey for the right partner..:))))

John says

Well i know my rea­son for my answer I was in a long term rela­tion­ship with a part­ner we had three chil­dren and the stress of bring­ing up those chil­dren in this world we are in nearly drove me to sui­cide, even­tu­ally we broke up and i fin­ished bring­ing my chil­dren up on my own. They are now gone Thank God Believe me i would not rec­om­mend to any­one hav­ing chil­dren after my expe­ri­ence!! Hell is not down below it is here on this earth.

I am mar­ried now to a very good woman but my past has truly damped my sex life even though i do love and care deeply for my wife. I have a step daugh­ter with whom i do not agree or see eye to with as she is much the same as my own kids,

Tell her don’t do some thing as she will get burned and “guess what” she’ll go and do it any­way just to see what it is like. i DON’T KNOW I JUST GIVE UP. To be truth­ful Burt i can’t wait for the day i am finally at peace and away hope­fully from this mixed up crazy world.

jil says

hi, i love receiv­ing your emails, iv been sin­gle for the last 6 years and dont know where im going wrong… i go out all the time but just dont seem to meet any one that is sin­gle… i seem to attract fel­las that are in rela­tion­ships… where am i going wrong????????

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