This Can’t Go On 162

by Burt Goldman

picture-2

I’m very con­cerned about the results from my lat­est poll.

Here they are (fig­ures are approx­i­mate, and are cal­cu­lated based only on respon­dents who are cur­rently in a relationship):

Cat­e­gory 1–you love your part­ner, and enjoy an inti­mate and pas­sion­ate sex life:

30%

Cat­e­gory 2–you love your part­ner, but are con­sid­er­ably lack­ing in the inti­macy department:

55%

Cat­e­gory 3–you have major issues with your part­ner, and are on the verge of break­ing up:

15%

It seems clear to me now that a huge major­ity of peo­ple are not enjoy­ing the kind of inti­macy they should.

I can’t say I’m sur­prised after hear­ing about sim­i­lar results from the sem­i­nar my friend attended. But please, take it from me:

This sit­u­a­tion can­not continue.

As I said in my pre­vi­ous blog post–without a healthy sex life, your life will never be truly ful­filled.

Let me clar­ify that state­ment, because I saw some com­ments from peo­ple on my pre­vi­ous blog post men­tion­ing they or their part­ners were inca­pable of hav­ing sex, or they had made a deci­sion to remain celi­bate for per­sonal or reli­gious reasons.

When I say your life will never be truly ful­filled, I’m refer­ring to those who are per­fectly capa­ble of hav­ing a healthy sex life, but for one rea­son or another, are leav­ing it out of their lives.

Peo­ple tend to give many rea­sons for this. Some blame their age. Some say they’ve been mar­ried for too long. Some say they’ve lost inter­est in sex. And the list goes on and on and on…

Now for­give me for being blunt, but none of these excuses are valid. Not one bit.

If you have a part­ner, and you’re phys­i­cally capa­ble of inti­macy, you have absolutely no excuse not to be enjoy­ing one of life’s great­est pleasures.

I know inti­macy is not always easy, so I’ve decided to come up with a pro­gram to help you over­come all of these excuses, and start enjoy­ing mind-blowing sex, every day for the rest of your life.

And even if you’re sin­gle, don’t feel left out. This pro­gram will help you man­i­fest the per­fect rela­tion­ship that starts with amaz­ing pas­sion and intimacy.

I’ll be releas­ing my pro­gram on Wednes­day, May 27th at 10:00AM (East­ern Stan­dard Time), so pre­pare your­self and keep your eyes peeled for updates :)

In the mean­time, I’d like to know what prob­lems you’re fac­ing in your sex life. Is there a lack of pas­sion? Have you lost inter­est? Is your part­ner mak­ing things difficult?

Let me know in the com­ments sec­tion below. I’ll be answer­ing the most press­ing ques­tions I receive from you here and includ­ing them as an added bonus when you get my upcom­ing pro­gram on May, 27th.

I sin­cerely hope you’ll take this chance to ask me any­thing, no mat­ter how pri­vate or inti­mate it may be. Remem­ber, your iden­tity will remain com­pletely anony­mous, and it’s not every day you get to ask these sort of ques­tions anonymously.

Look­ing for­ward to hear­ing from you, I’ll be in touch soon.

Burt

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162 Comments on “This Can’t Go On” - Post your own?

free trial says

After read­ing you site, Your site is very use­ful for me .I book­marked your site!

Justyn Vallori says

I do agree with your con­cepts but I’ve lived alone for a num­ber of years.

kenny says

You should most likely know me by now, im am the 13-now 14 year old.

My par­ents have been together then divorced twice and my mom tells me it is because of ill-comunication.I also beleive that but not only due to her telling me.I beleive that if one part­ner has a prob­lem the other should try to com­fort her/him.This, in my opin­ion, should solve most problems.it shlould also bring them closer.Just com­mu­ni­cate whether the prob­lems yours or theirs.But dont whine, that seems to be part of my dad’s annoyance.It agr­ra­vates your part­ner when you whine to them so dont go to them like “*sad sigh* my back is aching because of all the hard wark i do” or any­thing like that, acually try to have a con­ver­sa­tion, not a demand to be babied.

But thats my opin­ion :)

Harold says

.… and there are those of us not in a rela­tion­ship to fix. I like your sug­ges­tions any­way and will try them when I am, again, in a relationship.

Linda B says

I have been mar­ried for almost 7 years. My hus­band is
from another coun­try, and lives there. The idea of
get­ting mar­ried was for him to move here. At first, it
was won­der­ful! Great sex, great rela­tion­ship, mutual
respect, and very lov­ing. He vis­ited often.
As soon as we mar­ried, (2 years into the rela­tion­ship),
things changed…immediately. On our hon­ey­moon, we had
no sex. He had no inter­est what­so­ever. He made excuses
like “I’m tired”, or what­ever.
It’s been like that ever since. Mean­while, I dis­cov­ered
he had been on dat­ing sites, act­ing like a sin­gle guy
and meet­ing women. I also saw emails, to and from him
with women, telling each other about the great sex
they’ve been hav­ing. Some were very explicit. He
denied all of it. When I told him I SAW it, he told
me they meant noth­ing to him and I should just for­get
about it.
When he vis­ited me, he would be here the whole sum­mer,
(he’s a teacher), and we’d have sex maybe once or
twice. Did I men­tion he is VERY sex­ual? After I “caught him”, it was worse, and the
vis­its were rare. He never wanted me to go to where he
lives, and now I know why. Many times I would book a
trip, and he’d go into some kind of panic and can­cel it. I know he is still doing it. He makes excuse after
excuse, and keeps telling me he is com­ing “home”. How
long am I sup­posed to wait for this to hap­pen? He
hasn’t been here for 2 years now, and I haven’t seen
him in over a year, when I last went there. I saw signs of
cheat­ing while I was there, too…sneaking off to call
or text, hid­ing his cell phone, and NO SEX with me. I
also saw pic­tures of another woman when he got care­less ONCE with his cell phone…Pictures of her and her bare breasts! I didn’t tell him I saw it.
We talk on the phone often, but that doesn’t cut it
any more. Actu­ally, I texted one of the girls I saw on
his cell phone listed as “Ned”. I hadn’t heard from
him for 3 days, and took the chance of see­ing what he
was up to. It turned out he was with her! He cut my
cell phone off imme­di­ately, (can­celed my account).
He was sup­posed to have bro­ken up with all these peo­ple 5 months before­hand. He promised me he did.
He breaks promises, lies, but tells me he loves me
and I’m still his soul mate? He said he had a hard
time hav­ing sex with me because he felt guilt.
I know this is a very long mes­sage, but I could go on
and on…Am I nuts to love a man who does these things? My log­i­cal self says “DUMP HIM”, but my heart
says “I can’t”. The men­tal and emo­tional suf­fer­ing has
been excru­ci­at­ing.
I’m 55, he’s 56, and it’s the sec­ond mar­riage for both. My last hus­band was abu­sive. His last wife saw
other women.

Gruber Elisabeth says

I am 59 years young. Mar­ried, have two kids. My hus­band was 70 years young. 15 years ago he had an oper­a­tion at his inter­ver­te­bral discs. Since that time we don’t make sex any more. I must say I wasn’t that eager any­way as it never was very full­fill­ing. I must say, I think it was my fault, as I couldn’t really let go and relax. Even if I make your med­i­ta­tions, I can’t see the things and I am not sure if I really get into alpha level. I do hope.
Thanks for answer­ing. Love and light Elisabeth

Seija says

Hi Burt,

thirty eight years of mar­riage behind. Very happy begin­ning, two kids and major projects and trav­el­ing together. Sex was great for a long time,but started fad­ing away on my side dur­ing the past 6–7 years until I told my spouse some three years ago that I did not want to have sex with him any more. I just did not like it. He was dev­asteted but that’s how we have been going on since then. I do feel attracted to other men (never had any­body else — he has had, at least two “girl­friends” dur­ing our mar­riage) and could be totally ‘capa­ble’ of hav­ing sex. We are both fit and and healthy at 60 and 63. I feel that I need dis­tance from him even though he is not at all a bad per­son, rather quite the oppo­site. Divorce is not an alter­na­tive. Any advice??

Heide says

hello Burt
I met some­body 4 weeks ago, I feel very attracted to him. I do not want any­mory falling in Love, but grow­ing,.. We have spend a night together,.…but
his body is not in the shape to sat­is­fiet my needs. When I met him, he was very sick and I gave gim a trans­fert of energy.
I have a strong sex­ual fire in me, I do not want to opened to much.
I just feel, its not healthy to have sex, when the body can­not response. I pro­posed him to give a mas­sage, to get back in his body, but I haven‘t got an answer.
So, I‘m using visu­al­iz­ing, speak­ing to my feel­ings and sens. as you told.….
trust­fully
Heide

TH says

It appears that those of us who are com­ment­ing are in one of two demo­graph­ics: in some­thing of a stale relationship/marriage and as such in a posi­tion to ben­e­fit from these pledges, or despair­ing of ever hav­ing a suit­able and inspir­ing relationship/marriage, per­haps because we’ve had prob­lems in past rela­tion­ships or because we feel iso­lated from the pos­si­bil­ity of meet­ing that one spe­cial per­son who we com­plete and who com­pletes us. I’m def­i­nitely in this lat­ter cat­e­gory. In past rela­tion­ships, and espe­cially my most recent one, IO thought I wa sdo­ing what needed to be done, putting in the effort to admire the per­son I was with and to bring value to her life. My aston­ished regret is that as it turned out I put too much effort in, was too giv­ing and in the end opened myself to abuse. And the abuse con­tin­ues: we went from prefess­ing our love and desire for each other to her refus­ing con­tacvt with me. I still dream about what we promised wse would share with each other, and am still dis­may­ingly hop­ing it could be pos­si­ble.
So these pledges are a very good idea, even if only one of you make them. Unfor­tu­nately, though, even then the path of togeth­er­ness can be impos­si­ble to predict.

Fred Christall says

I fall into an odd cat­e­gory — was cat­e­gory No 1; hap­pily mar­ried for 32 years and my wife passed away Octo­ber 2008.

The first 25 years had the ups and downs but we worked through them. The big change came when my wife realised that sex is a men­tal activ­ity with a phys­i­cal response.

We came to value the men­tal appre­ci­a­tion of each other. the touch­ing and phys­i­cal stroking; and yes our sex life improved and was more regular.

At 67 years young I am adapt­ing to a sin­gle life again.

Ilana says

Burt,
Why is it that I have pas­sion­ate sex­ual rela­tion­ships with guys who are not good friends (the sex is great, but the rela­tion­ship sucks) and have great friend­ships with guys that I don’t feel sex­u­ally attracted to? How can I get the best of both?

Star444 says

Hello,
…that topic! These com­ments!
We all need the same things…Of course with some dif­fer­ence of inten­sity that is…For we are all unique beings! Here is one of the prob­lems that I like to share with my sex­ual life and that maybe can help oth­ers as well…My mother-in-law has defin­i­tively cre­ated a huge impact in my rela­tion­ship. Years after years, I felt totally rejected, crit­i­cized, lied about, judged, taken for granted and ver­bally abused by this person…My hus­band is going through a block­age of not know­ing what to do anymore…

Tina says

I am cur­rently sin­gle and have not had an inti­mate rela­tion­ship in years — actu­ally 12 years. I have buried myself in work and study­ing to advance my career. Now I am afraid that I will never have an inti­mate rela­tion­ship. I do not met many sin­gle peo­ple in my pro­fes­sion and so now feel that my options for a rela­tion­ship have decreased to noth­ing. I will be 50 next year, never have been mar­ried, and do not have much hope that this will change.

Sandra says

I’ve been mar­ried for about 30 years. I’ve been on the verge of leav­ing for the last cou­ple of years, but lately I’m feel­ing as though there are lessons to be learned here, and maybe I should just get on with learn­ing them — or maybe I’m just too tired to leave!

My hus­band is a peace-at-any-price sort of guy — doesn’t want to talk through any issues or make any changes, so it feels as though there is nowhere to go with the rela­tion­ship. He’s quite happy to talk about the weather… If I’m hon­est with myself, I feel very sad, neglected, unloved, aban­doned — but no point in dwelling on that! No sex for the last around 5–6 years — with­out ways of clear­ing the rela­tion­ship, I’m not pre­pared to abuse myself by indulging in sex (tried it once, and it felt ter­ri­ble!) And he prob­a­bly isn’t pre­pared to clear up the rela­tion­ship if there’s no sex!

I don’t feel I can dis­cuss this with any­one — my hus­band surely doesn’t want to know! And it would seem dis­loyal to dis­cuss it with others…

I’m look­ing at what I’ve cre­ated: on some level I must feel that this is what I deserve. To leave would give me the oppor­tu­nity to re-create the sit­u­a­tion in another rela­tion­ship — and who needs that? I also strug­gle with the idea that if I take 100% respon­si­bil­ity for my cre­ation — the cur­rent state of the “mar­riage,” that leaves him free to take 0% respon­si­bil­ity for it. It feels like too much hard work — it would be much sim­pler to be on my own!

So I’m work­ing on myself — my self-esteem, tak­ing Bach flower reme­dies to clear myself, med­i­tat­ing (and lots of other work) — with the inten­tion of chang­ing the sit­u­a­tion. I’m choos­ing to think of my hus­band as my teacher. The other aspect of it is that I don’t yet have a clear men­tal pic­ture of how I want the rela­tion­ship to be — cer­tainly don’t have any role mod­els that inspire me! Not even sure where to look…

Right now I can’t quite see how it’s all going to hap­pen, but it does seem to be get­ting a lit­tle better…

I’m sure there are some mind-viruses evi­dent to those wiser than myself — any input would surely be appreciated.

marios says

I M mar­ried for the last 41 years with 4 grown up chil­dren .I moved to my old place , repa­tri­ated for the last 15 yrs .WE started some busi­ness but did,nt do well .WE lost all our money and prop­erty .we started another busi­ness with lit­tle founds but we found all­sorts of cash flow .with all theese wor­ries the prostad prob­lem started and since then although i had a suc­ces­full op i never found myself per­form­ing well with my sexy life . my dr sug­ested VIAGRA but me and my wife are scared to use them in case of heart problem.we live now like brother and sis­ter .… I love women espe­cially the warm and sexy ones but .…I FEEL that with a good bleu moovie i will do bet­ter …i m luck­ing sta­mina with my erec­tion . i know that loys have to do with the mind .…i keep try­ing with every method you offer us thanks very much BURT and your team

sabra says

Inter­est­ing, So, how do you keep the fires burn­ing when there are many ideao­log­i­cal, spritual and life styles that have dev­erged over the years. My hus­band is a drug addict and I feel so oppo­site of him and aban­donded by him that inti­macy of any type is repulsive.

Chawn says

Hi Burt,
I am cur­rently going through a divorce, but I can say that part­ners find it hard to be inti­mate with each other after their spouses have been incon­sid­er­ate, insen­si­tive or maybe abu­sive in one way or the other. A hus­band may expect his wife to be inti­mate with him after he has been out all night with­out call­ing, the wife may have called her hus­band fat or lazy, or one just done/said some­thing to upset the other. We know that we shouldn’t hold grudges, but your spouse say­ing sorry just may not be enough. The ques­tion is was he/she sin­cere?? Once peo­ple sense sin­cer­ity, they are more likely to for­give and move on.

In my rela­tion­ship, my hus­band com­plained about me not being aggres­sive sex­u­ally. When I thought about it, I did ini­ti­ate sex in the begin­ning until I started to have trust issues with him. He was being unfaith­ful and that had a huge effect on our sex life. I enjoyed it, but only if I made up my mind to. If I wasn’t into it, it was hor­ri­ble. At times I felt as if he didn’t want me sex­u­ally, so I acted on those feelings.

Colin says

Mak­ing love is a sacred act of the cos­mos. When man and woman are united they find God through the spirit. I am a vir­gin, I seek a woman to make love. Chil­dren are the holy law of the gar­den of the Father. God is love, and the Hebrews taught to love, touch and embrace in a rela­tion­ship. Mar­riage is a way to con­sum­mate life. Birth is a mir­a­cle of God, look how the Mus­lims are pro­cre­at­ing. Allah (God) gives to them birth so that we feel love.

Amour, c’est la vie du jour.

Embrace the Earthly Mother in the morn­ing, and return to the Holy Father in the evening.

Burt Goldman says

THIS IS FROM ME, BURT GOLDMAN

Wow! Looks like we opened a Pandora’s Box with this one. I really shouldn’t be sur­prised; sex is such a con­tro­ver­sial sub­ject, even though the very first words that man heard directly spo­ken by God were, have sex and enjoy it. Now hold on before you get your dan­der up, I know He didn’t say it that way, what He did say as recorded in Gen­e­sis 1:27–28 was “Be fruit­ful and mul­ti­ply and replen­ish the earth and sub­due it;” not quite the same thing but try obey­ing that com­mand with­out sex.

Actu­ally this monthly addi­tion to the blog was orig­i­nally going to be about love, spir­i­tu­al­ity and sex with sex the minor com­po­nent but sur­prise, sur­prise; it didn’t quite turn out that way. All right, we’ll play it the way you all want it. I started to answer a few of the com­ments when there were ten or so but I soon felt like Her­cules try­ing to clean the Sty­gian sta­bles, it became a nigh onto impos­si­ble task to address all of your com­ments although I would truly love to. As of this writ­ing there are 133 com­ments to answer, but alas I have no river to wash away all the prob­lems but allow me to offer a gen­eral solu­tion that may help some of you with your situation.

This is going to seem too sim­ple to be of any value but trust me, it could be one of the most pre­cious resources in your Men­tal Cab­i­net. (Men­tal Cab­i­net: A place in the cor­ner of your mind where you store mate­r­ial to be used at a later date.)

Here it is: Think of ten things you most appre­ci­ate about your mate. Write them down. After writ­ing those down think about each one of them in turn. Have your mate write ten things he/she appre­ci­ates about you, have him/her think about each one of them in turn. That’s it. Could turn your rela­tion­ship around nicely.

Now that may be just a band aid for many of you, but then again for oth­ers it could very well be the answer you were seek­ing. Next time I’ll be get­ting into using the negative/positive forces of attrac­tion. Hint, women, get more fem­i­nine; men, get more mas­cu­line; remem­ber neg­a­tive attracts pos­i­tive but repels neg­a­tive, pos­i­tive attracts neg­a­tive but repels pos­i­tive. That’s on the elec­tro­mag­netic level where negative/positive is nei­ther good nor bad, just use­ful when understood.

I hope this offer­ing is of some ben­e­fit. As always I wish you all the best.
Burt

Cindy says

In regard to sex and inti­macy, I for one have been wounded by both. I do under­stand that you have to love your­self to love another, but in this soci­ety the whole thing has been mis­con­strued, deval­ued and mis­un­der­stood. Sex and inti­macy are sacred, and need to be respected as pow­er­ful forces that unite us with our beloved. There is so much con­fu­sion around how we have turned these things into issues that few are expe­ri­enc­ing in a healthy way.

Tara says

Hi,

I am 43 years old with 2 kids. I have been mar­ried 20 years. I should says that I have found this mar­riage hard. I moved 20 years ago to France from Canada and never have felt at home and he never has been under­stand­ing. That is one prob­lem we have that has made me feel unat­tracted to him. One­day I asked if what he was always writ­ing on the com­puter, he has been talk­ing with women online about BDSM I didn’t even know what that was. Then he asked me to go and talk to them and learn then he started with all his toys on me. It freaked me out, this was about 4 years ago now I sleep alone. Just a cou­ple of weeks ago I told him to started see­ing other women I can’t fufill he wishes! I feel it is degrading,humiliating. All this time hid­ing and deny­ing this and look­ing at BDSM porn.

Is it nor­mal I don’t want to have sex with him.

To him it’s all sex but I feel there has never been any inti­macy. I am just an object.

I would appre­ci­ate opinions.

Thank you

mohiddin basha syed says

Dear sirs,
Sea­sons greet­ings of the day
I wish to learn the tech­nics and prac­tice. kindly con­sider to send the nec­es­sary details pleas.
Sea­sons greet­ings and All the best wishes to you all.
mohid­din basha syed
mohiddinbashasyed@gmail.com

Betty says

Dear Burt,

I do have some direct ques­tions about the inti­macy. For past 10 months I have been in a very nice rela­tion­ship with a man with whom I can imag­ine the rest of my life. We sup­port each other, we are nice to each other, and we enjoy sex.
How­ever, except three or four expe­ri­ences, I can­not say that we have a mind-blowing sex. I guess that we both have cer­tain prob­lems. So there are my ques­tions:
1. How can I get totally excited about a per­son who I love but whom I do not find as hot as some other men?
(There exist men who make me totally excited just when I look at them — and they are not espe­cially hand­some — and I would like to feel this to my boyfriend. I love him and he loves me. I do NOT believe that one can either have a good sex or a deep love.)
2. How can I over­come moments of com­plete loss of a desire? Some­times I crave for sex but when my boyfriend touches me, I com­pletely loose my desire. What can I do against it?
3. How can I reach orgasm? With a part­ner I reach orgasm very rarely and in my life I can count nice orgasms on fin­gers of my hands… I tell my boyfriend that I like sex even with­out it just not to make him feel bad but, of course, I would like to reach orgasm with him often.
4. How can my boyfriend get rid of pre­ma­ture ejac­u­la­tion with­out using any drugs?
(I guess my boyfriend’s prob­lem was caused by his ex-wife who used to humil­i­ate him for not being a good lover and she also cheated on him just for bet­ter sex. I keep telling him every time that he is an amaz­ing lover, just to sup­port him and to help him to get rid of his com­plex, but it does not work as much as I would like to. I mean it when I tell him because he really tries hard to sex­u­ally sat­isfy me in another ways. How­ever, I would like to enjoy longer con­nec­tion with him.)
5. Are there any tech­niques which would help me to sat­isfy my boyfriend in a way that he would feel like in heaven, like a king of the world, totally on the top and full of energy for the next whole day? I know he loves our sex, but any­way, I hope I can be bet­ter. He deserves the best of the world so as do I.

Dear Burt, if you could help me and reply to these ques­tions in your new pro­gram, I would be very grate­ful to you. Not only me but all the peo­ple who want to know how to wake up a great pas­sion in a rela­tion­ship full of love, trust, and friend­ship. Thank you very much in advance :)

By the way, I bought your Mind­Box and it is just per­fect!
All the best to you!

Mira says

So what do we do? I am not sure if this is where you wanted us to post ques­tions on inti­macy, but here I go:

1. What to do about a man who only wants sex when you dont? It seems like when­ever I want sex, he is “Put off”, but when I, for once, say “Honey, I am not in the mood, i feel tired.” THEN he wants to? I know men like to “Hunt” but..

2. He is unwill­ing to remem­ber what I have said about what I like and dis­like. Unwill­ing by “He _knows_ what I like even when I say spe­sif­i­cally that I Dont like this or that”

3. He is egosen­tric in bed. His idea of giv­ing is him stay­ing on top doing the “hard work”… how to moti­vate him to give me more what I need?

4. Fore­play. What ever hap­pened to it? He knows I need it, but wants the Quick fixes?

Tara says

I have been mar­ried to my hus­band for 20 yrs. I have slept in seper­ate rooms for 4. At that time I found he was talk­ing onnline with other women about BDSM. Then he wanted me to learn about it and talk with them the he started his lit­tle games with me. He totally turned me off. He says it is his right to talk on line! Plus he looks at BDSM porn! we finally had a talk and I said he will have to find other women to go with I am not will­ing to do these sex­u­ally acts with him it is degrad­ing. I can’t leave I have 2 chil­dren 14 & 11 plus I moved from Canada to France so divorce is hard but I have been depressed so many years! Now every night he goes in his room and talks and puts on the web cam. I am not into the try it you’ll like com­ments I get from peo­ple.
He will meet some­one one day but me at 43 most unlikely!

Hope­lessly lost in France

Miss says

Burt,
Wow and golly gee whiz!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here is my take on this.I have fan­tas­tic sex and I also make the most fan­tas­tic lover a man could ever desire.Why because I fully love myself and who I am.I have a com­pan­ion who is just like myself.We have found that being spir­i­tual and real­iz­ing we are One cre­ates the energy that brings us both together as one.That energy is very pos­i­tive and fully charged in a fan­tas­ti­cally heal­ing way that helps move us for­ward in a spir­i­tual way. As well as the side effects that in this phys­i­cal world we both enjoy the the sensations,not to men­tion the feel­ings that sur­round us in this phys­i­cal plane..
Great sex or even mak­ing love is only a very small part of a relationship.When one real­izes it is all about energy exchanges, the other things such trust and other more human aspects dis­ap­pear and it becomes about phys­i­cal plea­sures and inti­macy.
Okay Burt„ guess I do not have any ques­tions that need addressed because I am so com­fort­able and enjoy my lover so much that hey „ please help oth­ers who have not found a way to make mind blow­ing sex a part of their lives!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miss and James

Brian Sullivan says

I agree with you Burt that sex has become a ridicu­lous taboo. Per­haps its a prod­uct of judeo-christian her­itage, and yet even the Proverbs talk about being ‘intox­i­cated in the breasts of your beloved’ ‘rav­ished by her love’ and well — the Song of Solomon could near get an X-rating.
We have a soci­ety of contradictions,

Brian

rusty says

Hi Burt, Thank you for bring­ing this up. For me, it is has been a prob­lem. I felt guilty because i think i was not able to give her a sat­is­fac­tion when it comes to sex. i always come first before her and mine is reg­u­larly one. Hope u can help get tru with this. thanks.

Karen says

The three most impor­tant things for a suc­cess­ful rela­tion­ship are — Men­tal, Spir­i­tual and phys­i­cal. With out the first two there is no way on this earth that two peo­ple can have a mean­ing­ful and beau­ti­ful phys­i­cal rela­tion­ship. I was mar­ried for 18 years, and we had very lit­tle in com­mon and sex was a prob­lem. My new part­ner and I have been together for nine years and oh boy is it goooood. Why? We are the best of friends and talk to each other all the time. We work together so — we are together 24/7 and we would have it no other way.

Lov­ing some­one is one thing being IN LOVE with some­one is some­thing totally different.

Blanca Thompson says

This is a hot issue, and I don’t under­stand why peo­ple want to repeat their insatisfactions.If OUR WORDS are OUR THOUGTS in ACTION and every action has a reac­tion; every THOUGHT-CAUSE has an EFFECT. It is clear to me that by LAW –The Law Attrac­tion in Action– every­thing I think, speak or do now is cre­at­ing my future. The past is the past and it is the respon­si­bil­ity oF the affected to put his past in the past with­out any guilt. Rec­og­nize that what it was done can not be undone; and is up to the indi­vid­ual to work out a way to for­give himself/herself to be free of “the repet­i­tive thought”. Just say to the recur­ring thought ‘STOP’ YOUR DAY IS DONE YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME ANYMORE. Give God thanks for the oppor­tu­nity to be clear, and lit­tle by lit­tle that neg­a­tive thought will have no power over you anymore.

At this point it is just a thought. For­give your­self of what­ever is hold­ing you down and with earnest desire for­give the other or oth­ers involved in that unhappy occa­sion. Only YOU can lib­er­ate your­self from your own neg­a­tive thoughts. No one else can do it for you, even if they give their life for you.

Learn to med­i­tate. Med­i­tate is just to focus on your breath­ing for five min­utes or more, 2 or 3 times a day, and notice how your heart beats all over your body. Lit­tle by lit­tle you will become/feel with more free­dom to speak for your­self. You will also notice how the things/situations that you been long­ing for will start effort­less show­ing up in your daily life.

thanaw says

1 With­drawal from any (sex related)activities has a large com­po­nent of hatred.
2. There are three lev­els of hatred:
a) Gut level-attitude of dis­like
b) Personal-literally per­sonal
c) Ideological-at the men­tion of cer­tain idea or topic(or the hint of such)
3. With­drawal dis­tance rela­tion­ship and weaken com­mu­ni­ca­tion.
4. With­drawal pro­motes mis­trust and cre­ates belief dual­i­ties.
5. #4 cre­ates con­fi­dence dete­ri­o­ra­tion.
6. #5 causes vig­i­lance.
7. #6 leads to fight-flight predilec­tion.
8. #7 pri­or­i­tizes inse­cu­ri­ties reduc­ing activ­i­ties.
9. #8 causes fear
10. all of the above will even­tu­ally irri­tate one and the cycle goes another round.
11. Bye bye sex..

a says

Hi Burt, This is indeed timely! Almost 2 weeks ago I had to can­cel my trial ENLP because my fiance left me and my income is suf­fer­ing badly. We’d been together for 3 years, he was a vir­gin until we got together (he was 32). I’d made many allowances, been patient, encour­ag­ing you name it — I tried. Even­tu­ally we got there but he has no phys­i­cal response to me. I won­dered if it was the inter­net life he ed before (dom­i­na­trix) I even won­dered if he were gay (he accessed tran­sex­ual sites — out of curios­ity!). Any­way, things improved for a long time, we got engaged, set a date for our mar­riage and then, he resumed email­ing a for­mer girl­friend (now mar­ried and a mother). This brought every­thing to a head and he left. How do one even begin to under­stand what is in his mind? Any thoughts you have on this would be use­ful — thanks.

Greta says

Hi Burt,
soci­ety has defi­nately mis­led us and sti­fled some of our joy in regards to rela­tion­ships. I haven’t been in a sat­is­fy­ing relationship.….um, pos­si­bly ever, oth­er­wise I would still be there. I think I have felt safer on my own rather than risk repeat­ing past mis­takes but I am yearn­ing for a great rela­tion­ship on all lev­els but am afraid and don’t know how to even get back into a rela­tion­ship let alone a sex­u­ally sat­i­fy­ing one. I have tried visu­al­iz­ing myself in a great rela­tion­ship but I think I have a deeper block that is not allow­ing for this to man­i­fest. What can you sug­gest to break through this, I really don’t want to wait another day, let alone add to the wasted years already?!

Many thanks Burt,
p.s this is the best birds and bees talk I’ve even had!!! Thank you for open­ing up this topic

anamika says

He is an alcoholic.Incapable of under­stand­ing ‘responsibilities’.Extremely pleasure-seeking & for­ever look­ing for quick-fixes.Prolonged unem­ploy­ment has led to more alcoholism…more search for easy money..quick-fixing…frustration…alcoholism..and the cycle goes on forever.He con­sid­ers sex in mar­riage is his birthright and a wife who declines to give sex must be hav­ing an affair else­where on the sly.Sex has becom­ing a chore for me for which I will now need “power-glasses” from “Majes­tic Insight”.Thank-you for your lessons.I have already gained con­trol over my over-eating.Love & regards. — a help­less wife.

Amy says

Dear Burt
I am glad you brought up this topic since I am dwelling under some repressed emo­tions ever since I got mar­ried 5 months back. There are some things that I would like to under­stand about love and inti­macy and whether my con­cepts are based on false­hood or do I need to mod­ify my par­a­digm.
I love my part­ner and I have always believed that he is my soul­mate; the one I had waited for all my life. We have an age dif­fer­ence of 9 years and on a sex­ual level, we do great. Both of us truly enjoy the expe­ri­ence.
But there are cer­tain areas which hurt like when we go out in pub­lic, he is friendly but he doesnt even like to hold my hand; I feel treated like a leper. He has an aver­sion to hold­ing hands in pub­lic. I do under­stand it but I tend to feel dis­tant from him when­ever we are out. Although we do well sex­u­ally, our energy lev­els are dif­fer­ent. He is of the opin­ion that sex should not be fre­quent (not more than once a week). Fre­quent sex can lead to an aver­sion to it in the future. He thinks its okay to do once in a fort­night or best, once a week.
I dont know if I am wrong in main­tain­ing the above per­spec­tives or if he has a totally wrong idea, but I hope that I could find an answer. Lately, we have also been hav­ing issues and he has started giv­ing the ulti­ma­tum that we can call off the wed­ding if things dont work. This really hurts as I feel that he is show­ing more of an escapist atti­tude than try­ing to work out the issues.

Christine says

Hi Burt,

What hap­pens when love is over and I don’t like my hus­band any­more, can your pro­gram help?

Jann says

Hello All,
I guess my sit­u­atin is quite dif­fer­ent. About 4 years ago I moved from Alaska to TX and left my male part­ner. I did not leave Alaska to leave him, it was job related. Any­way I still had hoped we would be together and who know we may. But it has been over 4 yrs now since I had sex! I am a post-menopauseal but in excel­lent health, started run­ning again and going to get in the best shape of my life. But at the moment I have lost all desire for sex. I would think in part it is because I put my self on hold in hopes to get back with this per­son and now I want to expe­ri­ence a reala­tion­ship again. I want to have some­one in my life again. Guess there are no easy answers to this, except script it, believe it and it will hap­pen! I know any­thing is pos­si­ble. I was also wait­ing for that per­fect time, when I had all I was going after in my life and then I would let some­one in. Any­way, it helps to just write this. All the best to every­one else out there work­ing through things. If you believe it can hap­pen and live it like it already has and feel it, it will happen!

Mill says

Burt,
You are so con­tro­ver­sial for start­ing a topic like this! I LOVE It!

Yes, inti­macy and pas­sion­ate sex is the ideal. How­ever, I won­der, what does that have to do with LOVE?

I’ve been mar­ried for 26+ years to my best friend. I’ve been obese for 15 years of my mar­riage and haven’t had sex with my spouse in over 11 years. My spouse choice of not hav­ing sex with me because of my weight did upset me, and then one day I pur­chased a dildo. My proac­tive choice in cre­at­ing my own sex­ual plea­sure has empow­ered me. It is my hope, in writ­ing this that peo­ple real­ize that we are respon­si­ble in cre­at­ing what we need for our per­sonal hap­pi­ness. Not just in sex but in every aspect of our lives.

Anita says

What do you do when it phys­i­cally HURTS to have sex? And when he cant stay ready through­out the process? Plus i feel like a yoyo bieng pulled in all direc­tions and frankly i’m too tired to be sex­u­ally aroused .

stephen h collins says

I’ve had can­cer twice with oper­a­tions that ren­der sex­ual inti­macy an embarass­ment. It is no longer an issue for me. I live in love and ser­vice of my fel­low beings, that’s what’s impor­tant for me. My name is not Sreve, as noted in your e-mails ‚it’s Steve.I don’t see the need for your con­stant sup­pli­ca­tion for money and or the need for you to delin­eate terms for the release of your teach­ings. Please take me off your e-mail list, Thanks.

Joseph says

This is awe­some. It should be out in the open with those you can trust. I am 51 as well as my wife. We have been together for 22 years ..mar­ried back in 1983. We have one son who is going to be 20 soon. Any­way, we had a great sex­ual rela­tion­ship not sure what hap­pened …now noth­ing. We don’t even dis­cuss it. If it comes up she blames me. I try to tell her of course it takes 2 dear…It just fiz­zled out.…sex is a great thing. I have to con­tinue my own course of sat­is­fac­tion. Any­way, I beleive it is nes­sas­ary and I am not like-in the path this has taken in my life…(Are there women who really need sex all the time)? or is that just a myth? What is the Term..Nymphomaniac…That’s who I need…yep…a woman such as that.….i never wanted to give up the fun and inti­mate hot sex !!! Have a won­der­full day!!!

and Thank You for being there !!!

JD

CK says

I am glad you’re bring­ing this topic into a level of aware­ness. Mainly because the more I feel sorry for myself for being in a prac­ti­cally sex­less mar­riage the more I real­ize I am not alone.
First off we’ve been together for 19 years and have two kids and rarely make love any­more. Of course our rela­tion­ship started as a pas­sion­ate one and we glowed with love. After the first cou­ple of years the sex became very infre­quently and then there were long peri­ods of time where I would be sat­is­fy­ing myself — feel­ing sorry for myself. This has now gone on for years and although my wife is a won­der­ful per­son and suc­cess­ful in her career and good as a mother to our chil­dren I am feel­ing bored, lonely and less and less inter­ested in being around. I feel lost and don’t know where else to turn. I don’t want to have an affair because it doesn’t sit well with me. I have sug­gested a ther­a­pist and my wife rejected the idea. I am feel­ing like the only thing that is keep­ing us together is oblig­a­tions and fear of being alone. I work on con­tract and have had some suc­cesses and my wife is a cor­po­rate leader with the tremen­dous work respon­si­bil­i­ties that come along with that. She has put on weight and hasn’t put in the nec­es­sary amount of diet and exer­cise to get back into shape. I want to con­tinue exer­cis­ing and some­times feel dis­cour­aged when I see that she won’t try. I went to a ther­a­pist to see if there was some­thing I could work on to improve the sit­u­a­tion and to help me decide what i want to do. We have explored the pos­si­bil­ity that I may not feel ade­quate or pro­duc­tive enough because my career hasn’t taken off as it should be or because I seem to want to run away from my con­cerns toward dis­trac­tions from grow­ing my career or work­ing at mak­ing it bet­ter and then by doing so she may be impressed and return to a healthy lifestyle. I think the best thing I could do right now is con­cen­trate on my own per­sonal suc­cess which would rekin­dle an attrac­tion. I have been so unin­ter­ested in being with her that I think I am get­ting migraine headaches from it. I seem to be com­pletely unin­ter­ested in doing any fam­ily activ­i­ties — only want­ing her to go with the kids on the excur­sions so that i could focus on me. It is long over­due that I have focussed on me that I don’t know how to stay focussed when I do. As soon as my wife comes home I feel like I won­der what is she going to point out,or say, that is going to make me regret being with her. I also find that I am feel­ing unat­tracted to my wife. Her weight has now become a prob­lem for me. The fact that she doesn’t do decent work­outs dis­ap­points me. I feel I don’t want to be with her and don’t know if I could come back from this. I hope we can find a way to recon­nect sex­u­ally and more. The alter­na­tive scares me because it would affect our fam­ily and of course it would affect us finan­cially, emo­tion­ally and so on. But I want and need to be hap­pier … what do you think?

Patty says

I like your brain gym­na­sium with the eyes going left/right/left/right.…many thanks

Patty says

Hi, Burt. OK, a few questions.

How often do you have sex?

Is your cri­te­ria of ‘fan­tas­tic sex’ refer­ring to frequency?

Is your cri­te­ria for ‘fan­tas­tic sex’ relat­ing to quality?

What sex­ual activ­i­ties do you engage in and how often over the course of time, and gen­er­ally how long dur­ing each encounter?

Does your part­ner have the same impres­sions and opin­ions about level of fre­quency and qual­ity that you do? Are you sure?

I fit into the 2nd cat­e­gory; love my hus­band like crazy but he has very lit­tle need for sex­ual grat­i­fi­ca­tion, although when I get him there (and gen­er­ally 9/10x it’s me who gets us into the bed­room), he’s pretty amaz­ing and happy.

We’ve just had a fight about this. We’ve been mar­ried 10 years; sex has been our #1 topic of fight­ing. I’m the one who brings it up. He’s sat­is­fied, and con­tent with infre­quent sex. Once every cou­ple of weeks or once every 3–4 weeks…or a cou­ple of x close together, and then not for a long time.…and these are upon my insti­ga­tion. When I’ve left things go to leave it up to him, it can go much longer than that before we are intimate.

Me? I’d like to have it 2–3 times a week, spic­ing it with imag­i­na­tion, sen­su­al­ity, close­ness, inti­macy on all lev­els, play, fun, and not just engag­ing in the act.

I’m 50 now, in menopause, and deal­ing with the phys­i­cal changes asso­ci­ated with that; he doesn’t really take any proac­tive action regard­ing that either, other than being sym­pa­thetic; in fact, he seems stuck in some kind of sex­ual bub­ble that is very safe for him, and pleas­ant for me (when it hap­pens), but really like a bro­ken record.
I’ve come to the point of tol­er­at­ing his sex­ual pur­suits with me when he rarely approaches me, because if I don’t, when will I get it again?

What I find is that I’m con­stantly being put in a posi­tion of weak­ness by get­ting angry or hurt by his lack of inter­est. We fight (insti­gated by me) then, it seems my anger rouses him, and for a time after that, he’ll be more atten­tive and sup­pos­edly inter­ested, but after 10 years of this cycle.…

Over the years, I’ve mel­lowed, ie. accepted the sit­u­a­tion. But I occa­sion­ally have the feel­ing that hey, this is my life; even though I’m mar­ried, I’m enti­tled to feel and lux­u­ri­ate in my own wants, desires and feel­ings. I want to expe­ri­ence my life, and I KNOW that unlike the soci­etal bull­shit we are fed, we are enti­tled to a healthy, inti­mate and active sex life for our entire lives. I want that. I want it with him (sigh).

My hus­band is intim­i­dated by highly charged sex­ual feelings.

I drink more and eat more as a result, because I need some excuse for real­iz­ing why he doesn’t want me; any­thing but his wall and hey if I’m drunk or fat, then no won­der he doesn’t want me. That’s bet­ter than his indif­fer­ence, let me tell you.

So you wanted talk­ing, ok, I’m gonna talk about it. Why not? What do I have to lose?
And it’s a cir­cle. I see where some of my own behav­iours (the drink­ing and eat­ing) are not only buffers for his indif­fer­ence, but also where they sab­batoge my desire to be with him.

I’m in love with him, I think he’s gor­geous, I strongly desire him, but I don’t get the same zing back.I know he loves me like crazy, but he’s just a bach­e­lor, I think, deep at heart; a com­poser, in his own world, his own head… I’ve suf­fered my entire mar­riage over this.

And now I real­ize he’s trained me pretty well. I’ve dead­ened and damp­ened my desire, and now, frankly, I find it pretty hard to muster any desire for him. It used to depress me to the point of such deep saddness that I was almost inca­pac­i­tated from it. Ive been through years of depres­sion over this, and only recently have kin­dled another pas­sion that I’ve allowed to take the place of sex­ual explo­ration and inti­macy with him–writing…

Tonight we went out for din­ner. It’s been quite some time since we’ve argued, but we got into the sex­u­al­ity issue and I had to ask him what would hap­pen if I took a lover.

He said that would be the end of us, we’d part ways, and that would be fine. He didn’t say this mali­ciously, but rather, with a kind of resolve. I had to ask him well, if we love each other, and feel we have this great con­nec­tion, why split? Why not just let me have a lover? At which point, he stormed off to the car, telling me; ‘let’s go’. I just walked off and made my own way home. Then, when I got home, he got up and said he was going out for awhile.

So, his fear is ris­ing think­ing that I just might go and find a lover; me? I don’t want a lover. I want my hus­band, but I’m so damned frus­trated from his lack of sex­ual pres­ence and response; I see all of the dynam­ics ris­ing in him that haunted his par­ents. He won’t acknowl­edge any of that. He won’t med­i­tate. He sup­ports what I do that way, but has no inter­est in it him­self. Very insu­lar. Very self-contained.

I’m like a rag­ing lion when I get this way, sorry, blog. The drought– that gets to me. I want to just scream at him some­times, but what good would that do?

I just hate this feel­ing of the dead­en­ing inside of me. I’m tired of liv­ing with a com­pan­ion­able room-mate. I’m tired of push­ing my own desires to the side­lines. I’m tired of engag­ing in the bliss only to have our inti­macy on such a low priority.

When I tap into that anger, espe­cially on evenings like tonight, I could smash my com­puter, I could smash every­thing in my sight. And then I know that I haven’t accepted it, that I’m not tol­er­at­ing it, that it hasn’t gone away, that I’m still as alive as I was 10 years ago, only more sup­pressed as a result of his suppression.

I’m glad you’re happy with your part­ner, Burt. Maybe I for­got to put deep sex­ual com­pata­bil­ity on my list of pri­or­i­ties when I wished this man into my life. All other lev­els of our exis­tance are really quite beau­ti­ful. But this is very painful for me when I look it square in the eye.

I can hon­estly say if you asked me yes­ter­day, that I was per­fectly happy with things as they are. In fact I would have said that I’d trained myself, that I’d become more tol­er­ant, that I believed that it wasn’t all that impor­tant any­more, espe­cially mov­ing through menopause. BUT I real­ize that that is a crock of shit. It’s as impor­tant as it always was. And in that real­iza­tion, I real­ize I’m sup­press­ing my true nature. So, what do I do?

YOUR EMAIL TRIGGERED THIS in me. YOUR SURVEY
So, on that note, I guess I got all of that out, and I’ll go back to being tol­er­ant; the anger is gone now. Thanks, Burt, and lis­ten­ers. I’m not going to leave my hus­band over this. Although he’s still out stew­ing as am I.…but I’m sure we’ll make up. we’ll just go on another ride on the up-side of the cycle…(sigh) I guess it takes work, eh? Lov­ing work…

Amy says

How do you talk about feel­ings with a guy who doesn’t see the value nor the impor­tance of our feel­ings? Who doesn’t feel com­forable show­ing his less macho side nor able to be accept­ing of me when I do show my more emo­tional dis­tress and try to open up with him.

He stays in his mind and I do live in mine too.
I don’t feel like I can let down my guard and my pride when I dont feel safe too. I dont feel the love. I dont think he does either.

How do you talk with some­one you are crazy in love with in the mind and both peo­ple are quite attrac­tive to(stirring pas­sion yet both still virign) so that each other under­stands each other with­out the unness­cer­ary name-calling, “i hate u” angry moments that just cause more suf­fer­ing apart?

Does physcial affec­tion must come first before emo­tional sati­sa­tion of love to be esab­lished? I think thats just pas­sion and not love. I want both…is that pos­si­ble and how should I go about hav­ing that in my next relationship?

Alan says

Dear Burt, im in a rela­tion­ship with my GF for 10 years. I have pro­posed on the mar­raige but she refused to accepte it. No spe­cific rea­son given. How­ever, lately she been going out with­out inform­ing where she is going and with who, and some­times dont ever back home. I know some­thing is not right here but i did not ask her what is the rea­son. Two months back, she wanted to break off but i man­aged to save the rela­tion­ship. No major argu­ment between us but some­times we do have dis­agree­ment. Burt teach me how and what im sup­post to do to save the relationship.

Pankaj says

Your com­ment is await­ing moderation.

Now, it is unac­cept­able, Burt!!!!

Brian says

My wife of 34 years and I have always had a great love and pas­sion­ate rela­tion­ship. Since she entered menopause this life, a switch seemed to go off that stopped her phys­i­cal respon­sivenes. She claims there are no bar­ri­ers to me, but inti­macy is rarely plea­sur­able for her and never ini­ti­ated. She is deal­ing with many health issues related to dia­betes, but I know there IS a way to keep our inti­macy. I look for­ward to any insights or suggestions.

Anita says

I have been mar­ried for 8 yr. and try every­thing to get my hus­band to have sex with me. Then I gave up on try­ing and the mar­ried is not work­ing, so I’m fil­ing for divorce. It’s not the only rea­son I’m get­ting a divorce. I learn to start tak­ing care of myself and get­ting good at it. But now when another man try to have sex with me it’s still not the same. I have bet­ter luck at tak­ing care of myself then they do. I’m think­ing it’s all in my head. The way I’m think­ing I guess. It like an old pat­tern that needs to be bro­ken. At first I thought that if I take care of myself then it would be e-z to make love to other. Because I would know my body and it would come e-z. But from the looks of it, that not so.
So it would be nice to see what kind of pro­gram you have that can break the spell of love.

elan says

Hi Burt

I’m in my mid 40’s, and I’ve been involved with Hindu spir­i­tual prac­tices for about 20 years. The teach­ers are pure; and rec­og­nized as enlight­ened linage holders/avatars. I am very grate­ful for what I have learned from them over the years. But I am also real­iz­ing that the teach­ings I received were more designed for cave-dwelling sad­hus, fin­ished with what the world has to offer – not peo­ple still liv­ing in the world.

From the very begin­ning, what has been the hard­est issue is the celibacy and turn­ing away from the world. This had been my ten­dency since I was a boy (as a means of defense – not as a cho­sen path to joy). In this respect, I feel my spir­i­tual study has nur­tured my dys­func­tional ten­den­cies, and seri­ously hurt my rela­tion­ship to peo­ple (I haven’t dated in over 10 years), yet I still feel a desire for human inti­macy. In order to be free of this desire requires an attain­ment that I feel is out of my reach. I haven’t been a die-hard yogi, but I’ve been try­ing to make cave-yoga work in the world…all I have been able to do is iso­late myself from humanity.

Addi­tion­ally, the more I observe peo­ple inter­act­ing, the more it becomes appar­ent to me that the vast major­ity of human inter­ac­tion is noth­ing more than gene pro­gram­ming, hard­wired neu­ro­log­i­cal responses to exter­nal stim­u­la­tion, and blind, knee-jerk reac­tions to hor­mones. We are automa­tons, who use the word “love” to refer to an uncon­scious run­ning of our bio­log­i­cal soft­ware; in which we enter into pre-programmed con­tracts of uncon­scious behav­iors, called “relationships”.

So I find myself stuck in limbo — between real­iz­ing that what my spir­i­tual teach­ers implied about human behav­ior is absolutely true, but yet I am unable to free myself from the desire for human inti­macy, or con­tact the source of love inside (my degree of inti­macy with God is just not strong enough to fill my human needs). I am cur­rently try­ing to fill in the gaps in my human devel­op­ment – try­ing to under­stand my rela­tion­ship to other peo­ple, and won­der­ing if I am capa­ble of inti­macy with some­one, or if the whole con­cept has spoiled, and there is noth­ing left for me but sadhu-hood.

Any advice?

caspa121 says

We are spir­i­tual beings and also sex­ual. Bond­ing sex­u­ally is the ulti­mate of real­iz­ing how we are all one. Don’t take this wrong..anyone. When you are “mak­ing love” to some­one it is truly a real­iza­tion of deep seated feel­ing that we are con­nected. We are one. It is a truly sprir­i­tual expe­ri­ence. I don’t think there is any­thing more beau­ti­ful than to expe­ri­ence this instan­ta­neous bond­ing and feel­ing. When you make love to someone(with the feel­ing of love) IT is one of the most enrich­ing full­fill­ing expe­ri­ences I have ever had. The most. It ele­vates one to the feel­ing of we are one. To miss out on that expe­ri­ence is sad to me. Yes you can show love in many ways but the join­ing of two peo­ple as one is to me such a pow­er­ful con­cious aware­ness of one-ness with the other I am shar­ing with. (NOT THAT IT MATTERS BUT FOR SOME IT MAY…MY HUSBAND IS THE ONLY ONE I AM TALKING ABOUT). If you love some­one truly and bond through hav­ing sex it is the ulti­mate feel­ing of we are one. Just my opin­ion and yes there are a dozen ways to show love; I get that but don’t under­es­ti­mate the spir­i­tu­al­ness of mak­ing love. 2 ener­gies come together the love can only enhance every­thing. It is a deeply spir­i­tual expe­ri­ence. Some­times we for­get this and take things for granted. We miss out for that one. I feel mak­ing love is a pow­er­ful, spir­i­tual expe­ri­ence (and I am not med­i­tat­ing while hav­ing sex) A lot of us have pre­con­cieved notions about sex due to how we are raised, reli­gion, belief, etc…when you let that go (s/t I had to work on) the beauty is there. BTW; one main dif­fer­ence between men & women; men use sex to release stress. they are stressed seem to want sex from their part­ner. Women on the other hand (which I am in this class) are more likely to want sex when they are feel­ing good and happy. Ulti­mate joke from the creator…I don’t know but it seems a com­mon thread from those I talk to. So a man is stressed(likely to not be as lov­able to his parter) she feels this likely to not want it as much. Guy asks everyday(cause not get­ting it and wantsit) makes the girl want it less.The guy is really say­ing I need your love you help me feel bet­ter. Nor­mally they do not say this with words so we women (gen­er­al­iz­ing) don’t take it that way. LOOK THROUGH THE OTHER PERSONS EYES, YOU MAY SEE IT DIFFERENTLY. Also women need more time to be in the mood (from talk­ing to var­i­ous peo­ple) Why??? Guys give them the extra lovin they need; it may help you. You must be gen­uine about it. Act­ing as if ?? Ig you can really “act as if”. love each other and be well.

Bea says

Dear Burt.-
First I want to thank you for all the won­der­ful lessons I have been receiv­ing from you and your mind­box pack­age.
You are help­ing me change my life style a lot and the way I think. I’m 31 years old and mar­ried for 3 years to a won­der­ful and beloved man who I know is the love of my life and soul mate. All my life I had prob­lems with sex, every time I tried I can’t because it hurts so much and the pain is very strong and I just can’t bare it. With my hus­band some­times I can relax and enjoy some fore­play but it’s so dif­fi­cult for me to open myself phys­i­cally and men­tally to idea of let­ting him pen­e­trate me. I just dis­cover that I have tis­sue inside my vagina that pre­vents any­thing to go through and tomor­row (05/20) I’ll have a hymenec­tomy, I’m a lit­tle scared but I hope that for once and for all I can be able to have sex the way we would love to have, with­out me com­plain­ing from pain and not enjoy­ing a won­der­ful act of love.
I have a issues of aban­don­ment that comes since my father left us and then died so I have the fear that some­day he’ll get tired of me and leave me for some­one else. With your lessons I’m chang­ing the way I think and not let­ting my fears destroy my life. He’s very under­stand­ing and I know that he loves me oth­er­wise I think he would left me long time ago.
Last Decem­ber we had a ter­ri­ble and hor­ri­ble fight because he went abroad and met a girl who he claims is just her friend and noth­ing hap­pened, at first I didn’t believe him and treat him like garbage and every time I was telling him if he love me or not, if he is sure to be with me and if noth­ing hap­pened with her. He swears that noth­ing hap­pened and I believe him, but the idea of always telling him the pos­si­bil­ity of some­one else or our mar­riage end­ing has hurt him a lot so I just want to let go my deep­est fears and love him and let him love me, spe­cially trust him always and he can trust me back.
We talked, we kissed, we play, we hold hands, we tell each other we love each other so I just want this issue gone and enjoy my sex life with my hus­band.
Could you please give me any advice?

Thank you,

Pam says

Hi Burt, Early last year, I sep­a­rated from an emo­tion­ally abu­sive relationship/marriage of 20 yrs. Sex was rather sad with my ex-husband.
I hooked up with some­one from my office who’d had his eye on me for a while. We both enjoyed the most incred­i­ble, mind-blowing sex. It hon­estly got bet­ter every time, end­ing in full body orgasms for him and 10–20 orgasms for me through­out. We would go on for hours. To say it was sat­is­fy­ing is an under­state­ment.
All of life’s lit­tle prob­lems seemed insignif­i­cant and eas­ier to deal with. The colour in the world seemed so much brighter. I had joy in my heart. There was appar­ently no future for us, he made it clear he didn’t want a seri­ous rela­tion­ship(!) and I was begin­ning to feel used, so I ended it with a lot of grief and angst. Seven months later, I still ache for what we had because it was so much more than phys­i­cal inti­macy. I have met a few other guys, but feel none of that spark or connection.

I have used guided med­i­ta­tions to get the man out of my head and open myself to more love rela­tion­ships. It is pos­si­ble to rekin­dle a rela­tion­ship with this man, but there is no future, but I feel tempted to go down that path!! What I really want is to man­i­fest some­one else who has the usual wish-list fea­tures (love, com­pas­sion, patience, under­stand­ing, etc.) and also able to share with me those incred­i­ble feel­ings dur­ing sex that I had last year.

Sin­gle at 40+, what do you sug­gest?
Thanks for all that you do. Kind regards, Pam.

carlos says

i struggel even get­ting a rela­tion­ship in the first place. A girl will show inter­est in me, get my hopes up, then noth­ing will hap­pen. It sucks

Jewels says

I think I need to see a shrink. I have been mar­ried for 19 years todate. I love my hus­band but I can not bring myself to have sex with him any longer. He has gained so much weight and I am within my weight. He says for bet­ter or worse. I try to tell him that being over weight is not good for his health but he laughs at me. I am com­pletely turned off my his body. Recently, I had to go see my Doc­tor, and I swear it was like cupids arrow struck us both at the same time. He started to flirt with me and at first I was taken aback. I did not know what to think of it. The fol­low­ing week I went back to see him again, this time he brought it on strong. I guess when there is no inti­macy in your life other peo­ple can sense it. Any­how, I know he is newly wid­owed with grown chil­dren and I heard he was a lonely man. I can not help but be attracted to him. I know if I con­tinue to see him it will lead to some­thing else or worse. I know it is uneth­i­cal for a Doc­tor patient rela­tion­ship but I have no where else to turn. I never thought in a mil­lion years I would be placed in this posi­tion. Can some­one advise me on what to do.

sydy says

ok burt here is the question—–what can you do to help this problem

Ivory says

As for me I am sin­gle and if it should ever comes to inti­macy in my life it would never be as awful as some of the peo­ple who have stated and if they knew how to solve their sex­ual prob­lems they would have no need to be blog­ging for help.As for Debby’s com­ments we would get no where she is real deep on hav­ing oth­ers not pay­ing for solu­tions to our problems.We don’t have to find our own way when we have peo­ple like Burt Gold­man who some­times knows us bet­ter than we know our selves. I feel like the bril­liant mines should be com­pen­sated for mak­ing our lives O’ so much better.I don’t regret a sin­gle penny I have spent.

Pamela Murawski says

I just did not want to say the real truth about my sex life and inti­macy because of the inter­net. Yet, I have changed my mind. My hus­band and I of twenty years have what you call red hot sex. We have it quite often. We love each other very much. We hold hands while watch­ing TV in the evening, we kiss hello, good­bye and good­night. We com­mu­ni­cate about how we feel. We work at stay­ing in love because we love each other. We are mono­go­mous and I know he is faith­ful and I can trust him. What is our secret? We com­mit­ted to love each other. It is sim­ple. We have a brain and use it.

Ryan says

Sandi:

If you ever get to read this.

1)First of all, in the seduc­tion com­mu­nity we are taught not to judge women by them being sex­ual. Their are cer­tain men that can acti­vate her sex­ual triggers.

2)Their is no trust issue: Women will be hon­est with their man if he is doing the right things. Some men force their women to cheat. It is about the qual­ity of the man, and if he chooses to settle.

3)Believe it or not but their is only a small per­cent­age of woman that you can­not pickup:and that is when they have a man that knows how to han­dle a rela­tion­ship, when they are hav­ing a really bad day, or some­thing else out of the big ordinarys.

Oh yeah and for me lik­ing girls based on their looks:
I deserve Gor­geous women.

Its not judg­ing, its what I want and like.

Your per­son­al­ity reflects whether peo­ple find you phys­i­cally attrac­tive, or clean cut or not.

Any woman can look good if they want. They just have to hold the vibra­tion and the action will fol­low. Being prej­u­dice about some­one being prej­u­dice is being prejudice!

Dusan says

Well, my prob­lem is, that my part­ner — I’m with her for 17 years now, we have two kids (15 & 12y girls)has lost her sex­ual desire com­pletely after one fight. She refuse every form of pas­sion and lust (no more tongue kiss­ing etc).
She knows, that I love and desire her and that sex is part of it. She said she need some time. We are inti­mate in a broth­erly way.
What is to do to make good bal­ance in sense of love that will be pas­sion­ate as much as this can be pos­si­ble after so many years and every day stress­ful sit­u­a­tions.
God bless you and thank you in advance. Daisy pond has made me happy as much as you can imag­ine.
Dusan

thanaw says

Deep seated hatred at one­self or part­ner or sit­u­a­tion or sex itself. Lets face it, unless the woman is very lib­er­ated and enjoy sex and shar­ing and empha­size shar­ing with part­ner, sex act or inter­course will die. If one review the act it self, it would appear as if the man is doing all the work and the woman is receiv­ing it. From there the man can become cal­lous and have an I do you I can do you and give you plea­sure atti­tude. The woman tends to get this with­out me you can­not do IT atti­tude. In this pow­er­play, the man may have ‘I can get it else­where’ attitude–up to a cer­tain age. The woman gets the ‘I dare you to get it some­where’ –even if I am not GIVING you any..attitude.
Since you ask–Burt..and I ask the last post too regard­ing energy..how do one over­come irri­ta­tions, anger and rage that will quickly degen­er­ate into hatred ?

Larry says

Jef­frey, I hear and feel your pain. I’m in the same sit­u­a­tion except there is NO sex. I have been mar­ried for 8 years and it was a sec­ond mar­riage for both of us. Dur­ing the first 4 years, we had a won­der­ful sex life. I think the secret was that we com­mu­ni­cated so well. Prob­lem was we com­mu­ni­cated sex­u­ally, not ver­bally. Then 4 years ago it started slow­ing down and our sex life came to a com­plete halt about 18 months ago. I have tried and tried to get her to talk to me about this to no avail. She says all is fine and that it must be my prob­lem. But when I tried to ini­ti­ate sex a few months ago by giv­ing her an orgasm, when she was done she just got up and left. I have no idea what is wrong but I’m begin­ning to think I was sold a bill of goods in the begin­ning. She clearly lives for her son and daugh­ter — both adults now with their own fam­i­lies. Now her daugh­ter and young grand­son live with us and my wife is in heaven. We ini­tially stopped hav­ing sex when she came to live with us 18 months ago but it never started again after she left. (Except for my one attempt.) Now they are back liv­ing with us and this time it looks like it will be years before she is able to take care of her­self and her son. (After 3 months she has yet to go out and look for a job.) >/B
So, like Jef­frey, we never touch, she has never acted as though she was excited to come home to me. I usu­ally get home first and would meet her on our back deck to wel­come her home with a hug. Found out real quick that she wasn’t a bit inter­ested in that. She appar­ently does not like to hold hands pri­vately or pub­licly. I get one quick buss on the mouth when she heads off to bed and that’s the only time we even touch. I have been in ther­apy for over 6 months try­ing to find a way to resolve this because I don’t want the mar­riage to end. But it (the mar­riage) has already failed, in my opin­ion. It’s very lonely, espe­cially when I see the love she show­ers on her daugh­ter and grand­son. No, I’m not jeal­ous of that.…I love them very much as well. But I don’t see it ever get­ting any bet­ter. She some­times tells me she loves me, always expect­ing me to return the sen­ti­ment and I almost always do, but she doesn’t SHOW me she loves me. And talk is cheap. I’m at the end of my rope. /b
So if any­one on this string sees some­thing I’m miss­ing, your input is very welcome.

James says

Any sug­ges­tion what shy lonely peo­ple ought to be doing if they’ve not got much expe­ri­ence in the world of relationships?

De-lie-la says

I am in the processs of divorce, end­ing a 28 year mar­riage that is what I refer to as “white col­lar” abuse. A voun­tary recip­i­ent of an insid­i­uos eat­ing away at one’s/(my) self esteem and wor­thi­ness; ulti­mately end­ing up gut­ted of life itself. Get­ting out of this/these rela­tion­ships is not easy as there is a great deal of con­trol and preser­va­tion of the sta­tus quo…the bully hates to be “found out”.
The game is all covert..remember, “Sleep­ing with the Enemy”.
My con­cern now is TRUST. Trust­ing me to pick a lov­ing, healthy rela­tion­ship. Why did I pick the man I mar­ried? Why did I allow such destruc­tion of my being? Why was I con­vinced of my unwaiver­ing love and deter­mined to make it work??
When it went to the exteme of dysfunctional..why did I not get out?
PS, I am not say­ing I was any Angel…when dar­ness showed up I admit to overt acts of anger and aggres­sive defen­sive­ness. I am no coward/not pretty. BUT Why did I not just leave, and most impor­tantly regard­ing the future, HOW can I ensure I will not do this again? These men/women look very good indeed, at all lev­els. They are charm­ing and delight­ful to all except..the unknow­ing vic­tim.
Again a very sub­tle hand is played…intention clear. DESTROY.

Now Im back in my game. Feel great, look good; I dance, do sports, run a suc­cess­ful busi­ness. I con­nect with guys as “bro”, keep­ing them at arm’s length, yet I am hap­pi­est as a committed,loyal and lov­ing part­ner. As for the bedroom..I am a Scorio/ enough said :)

Thanks for any advice shared with a very hes­is­tant lady.
Cheers
De-lie-la
Oh my word..what a ton of words! I spewed…sorry!

Bill says

Do you believe that there’s “THE ONE”?
I always fan­tas­cized at such a thing and then found her — incred­i­ble fas­ci­nat­ing woman with so much to offer… con­nec­tions that reach to the heav­ens and back — but unhap­py­ily mar­ried with chil­dren. But for the kids.…so she says… so I remain in a lost place — won­der­ing of her and what we have. Do I cut bait? or wait? I’m not inex­pe­ri­enced in rela­tion­ship — have had long term mar­riage in the past for over 25 years…whaddup with this?

MEB says

Hi Burt
Death of my spouse has made me feel so vul­ner­a­ble in this area. Hon­esty is dif­fi­cult to find and per­haps I am the biggest cul­prit of hold­ing back and being aloof to the nuances of becom­ing com­fort­able with another being.

This is a very pri­vate and per­sonal sub­ject for me but I hope to find the way to get beyond the fear of lov­ing and allow­ing myself to be loved again. Inti­macy for many is done in drive-by fash­ion these days. Those who don’t care for this style are ridiculed and those who get involved in this fash­ion are called ter­ri­ble names. Per­haps the way I am inter­pret­ing the sit­u­a­tion isn’t really the case at all. It just seems that love and inti­macy are like a sitcom…a joke and a game.

How can I find, rec­og­nize, allow and share the real thing in mutu­al­ity again?

Andrea F. Bascelli says

I must, with­out fail, know, like, and desire the per­son who may have half-a-chance with me. They should want to be in my com­pany, and they should like to be in my com­pany, and vice versa. If not, it’s no-go. Inti­macy is won, it is not sim­ply given to any old (or young) possibility.

Andrea F. Bascelli

Joshua says

A great insight as to why fewer than 10% came for­ward is because most are addicted to their pain. As hard as it is to hear, it is true for many. Many also beleive that they are beyond help. This is not true. The good news is, there is relief and har­mony for EVERYONE no mat­ter the cir­cum­stance. Aum Namah Shivaya!

Michael says

I’ve been mar­ried for 17 years with 3 chil­dren. Our mar­riage rela­tion­ship has been o.k but not great. I per­son­ally is still look­ing for my part­ner to start show­ing the same actions that I give to her. I’m the one that touches and is affectionate,I’m under­stand­ing and tol­er­ant. She dis­plays all things the oppo­site, and this is putting a strain on our rela­tion­ship. This decreases inta­macy because it seems that we don’t have any­thing in com­mon. Sex life is so-so, not mind blow­ing. I know there is an expla­na­tion and a solu­tion to every prob­lem. I’m very open to the answer and solu­tion. I’m com­mited to mak­ing my mar­riage work and become successful.

soghra says

my boyfriends com­mon is to have a fresh and pas­sion­ate rela­tion­ship to sleep seprately just once a week sleep­ing beside each other and make love but i think we should sleep together dont seprate the bed but feel the present of each other can u let me know why he is hink­ing this way is it normal.thanks

Louise says

Hi Burt,

Inti­macy, is as unique, broad and indi­vid­ual, as Love. It doesn’t have to be sex­u­ally related, in order to expe­ri­ence a great and ful­fill­ing rela­tion­ship, whether with part­ner, spouse or lover.
Sen­su­al­ity is of a greater con­scious­ness, for it encom­passes “one­ness”, of all that is, in a rela­tion­ship. ;-)
Maybe we need to look and explore the king­dom of nature (ani­mals, birds,… etc.) as to what they do to expe­ri­ence “hap­pi­ness, ful­fill­ment and gratitude”…;-)

Mary says

I’ve been mar­ried for 22 years now. Unfor­tu­nately, there has been absolutely no inti­macy for the past 3 years. My hus­band hit his midlife cri­sis, had an emo­tional affair, and started blam­ing me for most of our prob­lems (which I thought were few). Until 3 years ago we had what I thought was a nor­mal sex life, 3–4/week, greet­ings with kisses and touch­ing, etc. Coun­sel­ing has done noth­ing to reduce my husband’s resent­ment over his feel­ing of being rejected, and we have not been in coun­sel­ing for the past 1 1/2 years. What do I do with this? I know that I can only change myself — so what do you suggest?

Joy says

Burt, you asked for ques­tions, so I posted first, then read the blog com­ments.
My take is exactly like Andy and Happy Woman.

This may be a par­a­digm shift for some peo­ple, but when you do make that switch, you will have evolved to a higher realm.

Joy

Jules says

Burt — I have put on a lot of weight (dou­ble my nor­mal weight)my part­ner says he is not attracted to me any­more. Every one I know tells me how beau­ti­ful I am inside and out. I just don’t feel attrac­tive. It has gone from sex every­day to not at all. Help me

Joy says

Hi Burt,
Well, you’ve asked for questions…but it seems there’s some anger in my questions…but here goes… So, why mess with a good thing? What’s the deal with Finer Minds going into the “sex, inti­macy, et al” realm? Seems to me that if peo­ple aren’t ask­ing ques­tions, it might have a lot more to do with cog­ni­tive dis­so­nance than a fear of taboo. Although I’m sure some peo­ple would like their rela­tion­ships to improve, and you and Michael think it’s a good way to earn some more sales…but the mes­sage is mixed. If you set the tone in Finer Minds for the eso­teric, for the meta­phy­i­cal, for brain enhanced tech­niques that improve the phys­i­cal and mate­r­ial worlds, then all of a sud­den out of the blue here’s you and Michael going off on some tan­gent — aka his sub­ject line about get­ting “big­ger” — come on. NOT PROFESSIONAL. To me, at the very least it seems bad judge­ment on the approach. Topic per­haps could have been intro­duced dif­fer­ently — per­haps say — another divi­sion of Finer Minds…I don’t know. This quan­tum jump to another page feels very incongruous.

Burt, you’re mar­velous and I know your inten­tions are great…the approach may have missed the mark.

How do you feel about this?

Joy

Blue says

Burt, I have been in a rela­tion­ship for 15 years of unful­filled sex from the first year and in the last 5 years, only when my part­ner requested. I no longer feel any joy from the expe­ri­ence and have shut down these feel­ings. Now I am sin­gle, by my choice, but fear enter­ing another rela­tion­ship and how to open up sex­u­ally. I feel neg­a­tively about my body. You say we MUST do some­thing and you are here to help. What do you sug­gest as a start. I have dowloaded Daisy Pond. Thank you. Bless you, Blue

Hans says

21 years of mar­riage with 16 years no sex at all. Sleep­ing in sep­a­rate rooms as requested by my wife. Is this life?

David says

My wife and I have been mar­ried for 22 years have 4 won­der­ful chil­dren. For some rea­son we have never had friends?? We were focused on our kids and now they are grown and I feel we are lost. We have had money prob­lems over our entire rela­tion­ship and I feel that she has lost hope in me. I have not been able to func­tion in my busi­ness for the last sev­eral years due to being depressed over my mar­riage. The last few years we have sex a few times a year. As I am typ­ing this we have not even touched in almost 4 months. We do not talk and when we do it usu­ally ends up in an argu­ment so I try to avoid speak­ing all together. I don’t know what to do. We have never cheated, nor ever even had the desire for any­one else, but our rela­tion­ship is mis­er­able. I have been quan­tum jump­ing in con­scious­ness over the past few years and she has stayed where she was. She comes from Catholic back­ground so she is fear­ful of all things spir­i­tual or meta­phys­i­cal and has NO inter­est in ANYTHING that inter­ests me. We have never had any major issues or prob­lems in our rela­tion­ship except that money has been tight a few times. I love my wife dearly and want to move for­ward together but don’t know how. Any sug­ges­tions appreciated!

Bernice Penney says

Hi Burt,

I posted a com­ment yes­ter­day although I ini­tially thought it was lost and did not have the oppor­tu­nity to edit my writ­ing. I re-read the com­ment this morn­ing and real­ized that I for­got one very impor­tant com­ment re my sex life or lack of, specif­i­cally, my hus­band has not had an erec­tion in the 2 years men­tioned and before that it was becom­ing less and less fre­quent. For some peo­ple this is a joke and they will say, “slip him Viagra”.

I do not look at men in a way that they must per­form some hydraulic mech­a­nism to get an erec­tion sim­ply to sat­isfy me and I do not believe that Via­gra and other such drugs are healthy. I am not a band-aid per­son and like to get to the root of the mat­ter. Besides, sex is so spir­i­tual that I could not think sim­ply in the phys­i­cal sense. I believe too many north amer­i­cans look at sex in a “sat­isfy my phys­i­cal needs now!” but the phys­i­cal will come after the rest is met.

I’ve sought out heal­ers of var­i­ous sorts but my hus­band seems to have accepted his fate and does nto want to bring the sub­ject up with either his allo­pathic doc­tor or seek a natur­o­pathic doc­tor. Fur­ther­more, he will not see some of the more spir­i­tual heal­ers such as Reiki mas­ters, etc.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SUGGESTIONS ON HOW TO APPROACH THIS? IF SO, PLEASE RESPOND AS I WOULD BE GREATLY INDEBTED TO YOU. WE REALLY DO NOT WANT TO LOSE EACH OTHER AND DESPITE OUR PAST PROBLEMS, WE BOTH CONFESSED THAT THERE IS NO ONE ON EARTH THAT WE’D RATHER BE WITH THAN EACH OTHER. IT WOULD BE OUR TRAGDEDY THAT HIS SEXUAL ABILITY DOES NOT RETURN. PLEASE HELP.

Irene says

Burt, thanks for care for us so much, I’m from Mex­ico, and for the time been I don’t have a rela­tion­ship right now, but I always have prob­lems with my boyfriends, not in the inti­macy, but I don’t know why in some point, they just spot to love me… It never hap­pen that to me, I always have to do an effort to stop to love them because they left me, and it’s is so frus­trant, and not fair. I ask them whats the prob­lem, because I don’t want to do the same mis­teks with a future boy, but the just answer “I don’t know… it just hap­pen” So thats no help­ful… I know that I’m doing some­thing wrong because it hap­pens with all my exboyfrinds, so the prob­lem is me not them… Can you help me??

Thanks for every­thing… Irene from Mexico

Pankaj says

The ques­tion itself is emerg­ing out of igno­rance of inti­macy, love or what­ever is iden­ti­fied as pos­i­tive and in all prob­a­bil­i­ties cher­ished by every one irre­spec­tive of the fact and expe­ri­ence of every one that it sel­dom exists in iso­la­tion rather in jux­ta­po­si­tion of the reverse polar­ity. So its a ques­tion of moment when one is answer­ing this ques­tion or at the most the very recent mem­ory. I don’t expect Burt to come out with an ever­last­ing solu­tion until he iden­ti­fies that the human exis­ten­nce in its entirety is man­i­fested by oppo­site polar­i­ties– love & hatred, pas­sion & alien­ation, attach­ment & dis­taste so on and so forth. First of all if inti­macy with partner/wife is lost in one’s life it is merely the men­tal expe­ri­ence of futulity of the inti­ma­tion devel­oped for sex­ual plea­sures.., All inti­macy is to be van­ished if not today then some other day and a spir­i­tual mas­ter would be more inter­ested in evo­lu­tion of that mind which comes out of dual­ity and get estab­lished in absolute!
Does Burt have an answer, with­out fee of course?

Jo says

I can relate to a lot of what Sandi talks about. In my case, he’s still in love with me, wants to be with me, longs for more inti­macy… I don’t. To start, we’re very dif­fer­ent as indi­vid­u­als. Although we share some com­mon inter­ests, our per­son­al­i­ties are pretty much polar oppo­sites. We broke up a few times and always got back together, mostly because we have chil­dren and I wanted to give them the “fam­ily” thing. He’s a good man by many stan­dards, and I guess that’s another rea­son why I stay. Per­haps, I fig­ure, if I keep try­ing, the feel­ings for him will some­how come back. But they don’t and I’m torn. I hate hav­ing to pre­tend but I don’t want to break his heart. Is there a just mid­dle in such a case as this? I would love to have sex and inti­macy, just not with him. I’m just sick and tired of feel­ing guilty and con­flicted all the time. I would appre­ci­ate any and all insight into this matter.

shirley says

inti­macy starts in the mind. If you can’t get emo­tion­ally close, aren’t emo­tion­ally sup­port­ive, can’t trust, can’t share the lime light, but then expect to your part­ner to feel phys­i­cally close, for­get it. That’s like beat­ing a dog into lov­ing you.

Greg says

We truly have an inti­mate rela­tion­ship with every­thing in the cos­mos. Even in one life­time we have touched, directly or indi­rectly, every being through­out all time and space. This is because of the kalei­do­scope effect (or man­dala): for every change we make inter­nally we affect our entire exter­nal real­ity. We are all liv­ing INSIDE the cos­mos, and the cos­mos is within us — there is noth­ing more inti­mate than that.

Linda says

We have been mar­ried for 47 years this August … just don’t have that pas­sion any more … things have hap­pened over the years that were per­ceived at the time as “slaps” or “your not good enough” (real or more prob­a­bly imag­ined by me, but its there) … Have a total lack of inter­est in the sex depart­ment.… Do I wish it were dif­fer­ent .. yes at times, am I will­ing to for­give and for­get… just can­not bring myself, espe­cially now in my 60’s to think this per­sona could be at all allur­ing lol … So its eas­ier just to ignore the whole thing … He is on High Blood pres­sure meds and can­not per­form … some­how he feels that is the only form inti­macy has… guess I am ok with it … life marches on Thanks for this chance to explore an avenue that has indeed, been shelved for sev­eral years now … (just send­ing this off, not check­ing the spellings or I will delete it .. has hap­pened twice already lol)

Levis says

Well Burt if it is a ques­tion you need to help than there is my qus­tion. You know my situation,How can I divorce with out loos­ing every thing I have and dis­troy­ing my wife life and loose my chil­drent respect?

mary tryba says

I a mar­ried 40+ years. I recently dis­cov­ered my spouse’s long stand­ing inter­est in Com­puter Sex— specif­i­cally pic­tures and sites about male to male sex. I am dev­as­tated. Our own “sex life” was/is mostly sat­is­fy­ing. I am so con­fused about this . Any­one out there will­ing to counsel?

adam says

Ok Burt,

well, I am sin­gle, and have been since sep­a­rat­ing from my first wife about 2 years ago. We were together for most of my adult life. I finally feel ready to be with some­one new, but I just have not found a con­nec­tion with any­one. I’ve won­dered if I’m “meant to be” with another, or if there is some kind of inter­nal block that I need to release before I can find real inti­macy. My first wife and I had our moments, but I would not say we ever had a really sat­is­fy­ing level of intimacy.

clare says

Jef­frey, I can relate to your com­ments, it seems to be quite easy to slip into this kind of rela­tion­ship with our spouse and it really sad­dened me to read what you are going through on a daily basis.
Per­son­ally speak­ing, I
peri­od­i­cally see the signs of my part­ner and I non com­mu­ni­cat­ing in this way and when it’s gone on too long (SOMETIMES I RECOGNISE IT BECAUSE WE NEED SPACE) then I do some­thing to bring us closer together, a hug or a night out or sim­ply hold his hand while we’re watch­ing tv together. This will nor­mally lead to more inti­macy and then we’re back on track for a while until that space invades us again. I get frus­trated because it’s usu­ally me who insti­gates the close­ness and I also have a great fear of rejec­tion but because of my love for him I try and give as much as I can.
In dif­fi­cult times I have asked myself what is the point? I“VE come to the con­clu­sion that we all have our inse­cu­ri­ties and fears and the point of liv­ing with some­one is to help our life feel more ful­filled but not rely on them to ful­fill it. But when shar­ing goes com­pletely out the win­dow and nobody is pre­pared to mend the sit­u­a­tion and really try to find close­ness in what­ever form, then it is time to move on because liv­ing in a rela­tion­ship with­out inti­macy is hell on earth. We can only give what we’re pre­pared to and that goes for our part­ner too and some­times it is best to move on rather than being stuck in a love­less rela­tion­ship. So my ques­tion is..why do we choose a life part­ner at all if all we do is lose respect and lov­ing feel­ings towards them?

El says

I don’t think i’ve ever had a seri­ous boyfriend and I’m 29. Have had the occa­sional short thing, but noth­ing seri­ous and I don’t know what I’m doing wrong here as I’m not unat­trac­tive but it just seems like there’s always a bar­rier there when I meet a guy I con­nect with. Like usu­ally that they’re already mar­ried or what­ever, I’m a bit afraid this will go on for­ever as, as I’ve said already I have had not even vaguely seri­ous rela­tion­ships yet in my life.
Thanks for listening

tina says

Dear Burt WHere in the uni­verse do sui­cides go?Does one still exist?Do you con­sider this act a sin.Or do our other selves still exist in alter­nate lives? Tina

flora says

what do I do when I am hold­ing out on inter­course sex because I want a wed­ding ring. but, I am get­ting clear that my lov­ing part­ner has issues that may take him a long time to unwind in this depart­ment. and my first child is nearly five, and I want more babies. I have been hold­ing the high bar on this for YEARS deter­mined to lift the sit­u­a­tion to a place of deep mutual respect and deep let go, not to men­tion for the children’s sake, but at this point it feels more like a stand still than any­thing heal­ing. our chld plays baby brother or baby sis­ter con­stantly, and we want her to have one.
do I go ahead and let love in, with or with­out the paper­work?
or do i hold the high bar to prove some kind of now clearly very expen­sive point to my child?
and how do i feel good for me, if i let this part of our rela­tion­ship back in, with­out get­ting the out­ward respect i have longed for?
i know i love him and he loves me well in so many ways, my favorite thing on planet earth is to be with him and our girl.

warmly, flora

Diane says

I will answer your blog, my hus­band is an emo­tion­ally abu­sive and he made me marry him. I can’t fig­ure a way to end the rela­tion­ship with­out him stalk­ing me killing me or los­ing every­thing. he is on med­ica­tion and we really have not had sex in years. he says we have a spe­cial rela­tion­ship and that it is not that impor­tant. We have not had sex since I met him hardly at all because he was addicted to pain pills after sev­eral surgery’s and now the meds he is on give him ED the doc­tor after a year finally gave him a script for via­gra, but we do not have insur­ance and the pills are 17.50 each and we have not been able to afford even one yet, due to unem­ploy­ment issues. He does not even kiss good. The first time we had sex it was awe­some and he has never done what he did since, which was stim­u­late me dur­ing sex. Now I use my vibra­tor. and he does not believe me when I have an orgasm. he says I am just say­ing that I did. thank you who ever invented the vibra­tor. used it yes­ter­day. I use to have an active sex life with every part­ner I have had a com­mit­ment with and now nothing.

Kelly says

My hus­band and I stopped hav­ing sex when I started gain­ing weight due to hor­monal issues. He said that just wasn’t attracted to me any­more. I’ve got­ten the hor­mones straight­ened out, and I’m within twenty pounds of my nor­mal weight again, but he’s still not inter­ested. He has anger issues at work and started tak­ing an anti­de­pres­sant which killed his libido. I love him but I need inti­macy in my life and I’ve been think­ing about stray­ing. What do I do?

Brenda says

as a sin­gle adult look­ing for a com­mit­ted rela­tion­ship. I am so tired of com­muter dates where the men always end up wait­ing to talk about sex. There more to life then sex. I want to get to know the per­son as a per­son not as some­one to jump into bed with.

K says

Burt I became involved with a man a year ago and we have a very nice friend­ship, live together and I know he cares for me. But due to health prob­lems he can­not take the blue pill and we do not have sex. If for­play hap­pens it is at my ini­ti­a­tion but does not end in sex. He believes that our “friend­ship” is worth a mil­lion more than a sex life and he feels our rela­tion­ship is at a 7 or an 8. There is noth­ing wrong with my libido so I am not con­tent. He will not say he cares for me, he does not ini­ti­ate more than one or two hugs a day…no real inti­macy. My ques­tion is: What if this prob­lem really is due to his phys­i­cal health issues (he has no health insur­ance so won’t get any­thing checked)and pos­si­bly a lack of testosterone..is it fair of me to expect more from him? He is 56 (but through his words and actions is much older)…I am 49.

Heide says

Peo­ples know them­selve so lit­tle. Only of being this body and out­side, they become an image of a mode of life.
Hav­ing been myself so dys­func­tion­nel, and depend­ing of ‘Love‘ from oth­ers me‘s, I came to the desil­lu­sion­nel feel­ing, that the love I need so dese­s­paire can only comme from my own well being.
Love your­self, know your­self, do not judge, if you do not want to be judged.
How can we have inti­macy with oth­ers, if we do not have-it with our­self?
But than, I like to ask you, where I will find some­body who has done this work for himself.…touching and need to be touched. If its only for the body, I feel as I‘m pros­ti­tude myself, or I get the feel­ing of being a mother for my part­ner.
I‘m an accom­plished women, with 3 grown-up children‘s. But my heart is child-like.
Men‘s in my ages (54) are old, or teen-agers.

Sandi says

Ryan:

In response to your ques­tion, I would rec­om­mend against the whole “screw a lot of women” busi­ness. Soci­ety claims this is won­der­ful, and all that. How­ever, in prac­ti­cal appli­ca­tion, promis­cu­ity for either sex seems to lead to a break­down in trust towards those whom they desire.

It becomes dif­fi­cult to trust women when you inten­tion­ally sur­round your­self by women who are only inter­ested in brief sex­ual flings. It becomes easy to lose sight of the fact that YOU are sur­round­ing your­self with that type of women, and begin to believe that all women are like that.

As far as find­ing a woman who is a 10… I’ll leave that to Burt else my per­sonal prej­u­dices about peo­ple who judge based on looks inter­fere with the answer.

Sandi says

You wrote an email say­ing that folks aren’t really ask­ing you a lot of ques­tions, Burt.

For me, I don’t really know what to ask.

I guess I could ask:

How do I get rid of PMS? I’ve tried the drugs and the nat­ural reme­dies… it’s still cling­ing to me.

What do I do about the anger I feel towards him? How can I relin­quish the resent­ments about things that are ongoing?

What do you do when your part­ner isn’t inter­ested in the things that might help you feel inti­mate, but seems only inter­ested in the things that will make them feel intimate?

To elab­o­rate on that a bit, I’ve had sex with him when I wasn’t in the mood… but that still wasn’t good enough because he wanted me to want it, too. I’d like to want it, but I don’t. So what do I do about that? It’s never enough.

I love him, and I want him to be happy, but I want to be happy, too. Where’s the happy medium? I can’t force myself to be attracted to him when I’m just NOT.

Is there a way to con­trol my hor­monal and emo­tional upset dur­ing my PMS times? I often KNOW that I’m being unrea­son­able, but the tow­er­ing anger comes out anyway.

I have taken many courses over the years, and so far, noth­ing has seemed to help me with this PMS prob­lem. I use the bagwa (sorry spelling), and it just doesn’t seem to help. Besides, I usu­ally catch my angry out­burst after, not before.

I dunno, I guess those are the best way I can put my issue into ques­tions. That’s why I didn’t ask a spe­cific ques­tion, I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO ASK!

All I know is that we’re both frus­trated, and while a part of me wants to make the rela­tion­ship happy, another part of me just wants to say, ‘screw it.’

Ryan says

I know their are alota com­ments so I am writ­ing again. I am 18, resolv­ing my love life once and for all. I am not trip­pin about invest­ing money because I know I dont have to buy any­thing. But I really appre­ci­ate the knowl­edge you are offer­ing and the choice to return it if I dont like it! I hope oth­ers will see my appre­ci­a­tion as well.

Ok, I dont want to go through a whole lotta pro­grams so:

1)Their are pro­grams that teach you how to pick up women, and are priced around$2000 for per­sonal train­ing. I am sure you have heard of “The Pick Up Artist”.

2)Will your pro­gram be bet­ter for me at get­ting me a 10(hot girl) with a great life?

3)What do you think about sleep­ing with alota hot girls???

4) What should I do, buy your pro­gram or get per­sonal training??

Thanks Burt for the knowl­edge you are putting out their. I am pleased to do busi­ness with you and exchange good energy/Currency/or money.

Peace

Infinity says

I don’t have a part­ner and haven’t had one so this is hypo­thet­i­cal. But I have always felt repelled by sex. The rea­son­ing that it’s nat­ural and every­one does it, doesn’t cut it. It’s still repel­lent to me. Now I have no prob­lem with this per­son­ally, and can do with­out hap­pily ever after, espe­cially that I have never wanted chil­dren either. But I have a solid guess that my future bond­mate, should I have one, won’t be too happy about it. I also was never able to under­stand what’s so plea­sur­able about kiss­ing. Looks to me like the total oppo­site. And that said, I’ve never been molested or had any sim­i­lar unpleas­ant expe­ri­ences, also I’m not a teenager any­more. I’ve just been this way like for­ever. I don’t feel like I’m miss­ing out on any­thing, I would be ever so happy to have a boyfriend for a solely pla­tonic rela­tion­ship, but I sup­pose that isn’t feasible.

1 answer says

I didn’t par­tic­i­pate in the poll, but I’ll give you my answer, just the same, and per­haps it may broaden the view of others????

For me, the lack of inti­macy is largely due to hor­monal imbal­ances. I believe this answers Nancy’s ques­tion as well. I think for many woman, after hav­ing chil­dren their hor­mone lev­els change. For some it is tem­po­rary, for oth­ers they find work arounds, that may help for a while and oth­ers just silently fake their way through it.

I believe I’ve had erratic hor­mone lev­els since ado­les­cence. This isn’t the norm, and so, have not been able to con­vince a doc­tor to do a thor­ough exam (hor­mone level test­ing), since it is believed that hor­mones only become out of bal­ance after menopause or hys­terec­tomy. Now that I’m closer to the age of menopause I’ve been pay­ing more atten­tion to issues sur­round­ing menopause, and real­ize that MANY of my prob­lems could poten­tially been addressed had I had an early thor­ough assessment.

Any­way, back to topic. One of the symp­toms of hor­mone imbal­ance is low libido. Per­son­ally have erratic libido lev­els at var­i­ous times of my life, but since the birth of my sec­ond child it has mostly been low and com­pletely left me after my third child. I think I cre­ated a sort of exter­nal excuse for this by cov­er­ing myself in a layer of ugly (how­ever, other con­se­quences of imbal­anced hor­mones does this as well, by caus­ing weight gain, fatigue, hair loss, etc etc) and think­ing it was because life was too hard with a part­ner, or I was too poor at choos­ing an appro­pri­ate part­ner. I made my anthem “I’d Rather be Lonely”- by Loudon Wain­wright III.

Burt I agree that inti­macy is an inte­gral part of the human expe­ri­ence. Healthy inti­macy is not the same as sex, although sex is an inte­gral part (sorry Andy I dis­agree with you there). True spir­i­tual inti­macy is not only through sex, but sex is a nat­ural pro­gres­sion for two peo­ple who expe­ri­ence that sense of one­ness, but it also comes in good con­ver­sa­tion, shared expe­ri­ences (good and bad) and feel­ing the con­nect­ed­ness of a high power (God, the Uni­verse, w/e).

We must learn to sep­a­rate sex from inti­macy, while also rec­og­niz­ing that inti­mate sex is the ulti­mate form of expres­sion of intimacy.

Sorry Burt, I don’t think you can help me on this one. I lack the physical/emotional/mental strength to cre­ate the finan­cial envi­ron­ment required to have my phys­i­cal needs met at this time. I haven’t totally given up hope, as this real­iza­tion of what was the under­ly­ing prob­lem all these years finally came into clar­ity. And recog­ni­tion is the first step, right?

Ryan says

I know their are alota com­ments so I am writ­ing again. I am 18, resolv­ing my love life once and for all. I am not trip­pin about invest­ing money because I know I dont have to buy any­thing. But I really appre­ci­ate the knowl­edge you are offer­ing and the choice to return it if I dont like it! I hope oth­ers will see my appre­ci­a­tion as well.

Ok, I dont want to go through a whole lotta pro­grams so:

1)Their are pro­grams that teach you how to pick up women, and are priced around$2000 for per­sonal train­ing. I am sure you have heard of “The Pick Up Artist”.

2)Will your pro­gram be bet­ter for me at get­ting me a 10(hot girl) with a great life?

3)What do you think about sleep­ing with alota hot girls???

4) What should I do, buy your pro­gram or get per­sonal training???

Thanks Burt for the knowl­edge you are putting out their. I am pleased to do busi­ness with you and exchange good energy/Currency/or money.

Peace

Jill says

Burt– will your new inti­macy pro­gram be use­ful for those of us in same-sex rela­tion­ships? Many books and courses avail­able on the mar­ket are writ­ten for tra­di­tional het­ero­sex­ual rela­tion­ships and address the behaviors/actions between men and women. Often their approaches are specif­i­cally geared to those dynamics.

I have used and ben­e­fited many ways from your wis­dom and courses through the years. I hope that you bring the same breadth of knowl­edge and inclu­sive­ness to same-sex rela­tion­ships in your new course.

Thank you for shar­ing your gifts with the world.

Chris says

Dear Lalita,
thanks for your words. They are very beau­ti­ful and they touch me in some way. But they also make me angry. I can’t accept the atti­tude that the man must always com­fort the woman and the woman has no respon­si­bil­ity. In a real, equiv­a­lent part­ner­ship BOTH part­ners have to do their steps.
You know, I under­stand that there are days where we both are exhausted by our every­day sor­rows in work and with the kids. But I am on a path where I can free myself in med­i­ta­tion and open up for other things.
My beloved wife can’t. She stays in the hamster-wheel and is blocked from every plea­sure (not only sex). She comes from a reli­gious fam­ily where plea­sure and rel­ish is a waste if not a sin.
I try my best to under­stand and sup­port her. But you may be right, I can’t nur­ture her enough, I can’t reach her emo­tions fully (because I can’t reach mine fully). When she is emo­tional she cries – the only accepted feel­ing. Emo­tions like pride, anger, sat­is­fac­tion and joy are sel­dom or never expressed.
Since her Eng­lish is not good enough to fol­low Burt’s pro­grams (which for me are help­ful, but we are ger­man speak­ing peo­ple in Europe) and she can’t accept my help it’s really dif­fi­cult.
We are often ten­der with each other, sleep hand in hand, smile and touch softly — so I don’t think there are no emo­tions towards me. But as I said, as soon as there could be a loss of con­trol, a let­ting go there is rejec­tion. I’m work­ing hard to be com­pas­sion­ate I’m even in a ther­apy bit it’s still hard. Do you under­stand that it’s more com­plex? You used the pic­ture of the lotus and the sun. If I’m sup­posed to be the sun, I also need the lotus open­ing up so I can shine on!!!
All the best, Chris

Cathrine says

Hi! Im so happy that you bring this up!
I meet a great guy about 7 months ago, and we immede­ti­atly fekk inlove.
We are both growm ups, whit a his­tory behind us. But this was teh BIG thing for the both of us. Soul­mates so to speak.
It scared us, so going from bee­ing close from the begin­ning we were afraid to loose it, and that drew us apart. We got really tense, and afraid. We are still friends, and talk alot, but decided to not be lovers, because in affected both our lovelife, and every­thing else. What can we do ? The deal with your advises is that he will not belive “in stuff like this” but I do, and are will­ing to try every­thing, because this is worth fight­ing for. So what can I do with­out telling him to much about the these kinds of advices ? Hope you under­stand what I meen:)

taylor says

Sex does not = inti­macy! Inti­macy is when you are your­self with some­one else– no masks– no stops. Sex is an ani­mal urge for pro­cre­ation– when you are past those pro­cre­at­ing years-the urge dis­si­pates as is nat­ural. think­ing sex is the end all and be all is just b.s. That has been pro­grammed by TV adver­tis­ing and bill­board ads. Peo­ple aren’t happy if they aren’t get­ting any…no won­der so many peo­ple are on prozac! I for one am not a vic­tim to fash­ion– in what­ever form it takes. I lis­ten to my own body and my own heart and the rest be damned! thanks!

Poppy says

I’m a step grand­daddy to 2 girls with 4 grand chil­dren and odds in there life for the pluses (like all of us).They are mis­er­able with them selves because their egos wont let them be happy.They know bet­ter no mat­ter what it is.They for­get that LOA will res­cue them from what ever it is that is both­er­ing them. We have for­got­ten to instill a self– con­fi­dence in them or strength about LOA. Every­one loves close­ness ‚even the abused .Shared interest’s go a long way and affec­tion is still num­ber one,to pun­ish our selves is to abuse our affection’s or some­one else’s. LOA fix needed here.
Change mind,change mind.

Aditi Sinha says

My prob­lem is that my part­ner is phys­i­cally far away from me, and we hardly get to meet once in 2–3 months. Burt, can you help us in man­i­fest­ing our desire of liv­ing together into a real­ity? We both want to stay together in the same place, but cir­cum­stances have forced us to part out ways about 2 years back — since then we are get­ting to meet each other very rarely, like I said, once in 2–3 months. Please help us, we love each other a lot.

Tim Ricke says

In our search for com­mu­ni­ca­tions I have come across 3 telling ques­tions that pro­vide a solid foun­da­tion for build­ing rela­tion­ships in all areas. The fol­low­ing ques­tions require only that we let the other talk and do not inter­rupt. Here you go:
1. What more can I do for you?
2. What less can I do for you?
3. What can I change for you?

Have fun!

Tim

nasa says

is this one of your mul­ti­ple source of income. Hmm…lets c. First u come up with Silvermind.…spoof off The Silva method & sell it at premium.….then u start all that quan­tum blah blah.….and sell that at pre­mium too.…not sat­is­fied u go on to get the NLP method & sell it.….now what.…now what.…your mar­ket­ing man­ager sug­gests hmmm…lets c sex is some­thing which intrigues most of the peo­ple. Sex sells so lets do some­thing on that & ofcourse sell it at pre­mium.
All these so called new age gurus, quan­tum pro­pa­ganda, the ‘secret’, law of attrac­tion etc etc has only caused one thing. The gurus become richer by the day and keep on find­ing their mul­ti­ple source of income. Cmon.….someday ur karma will get u back…u cre­ate a dis­at­is­fied need.…n then make a prod­uct u wanna sell for that need.……MARKETING AT ITS BEST…keep it up fellas

Andy says

You’ve sent an email Burt, about the lack of response and believe it’s because of a taboo. This is your belief sys­tem in action. Per­son­ally, within the bound­aries of my own sub­jec­tive oppin­ion, I have to say that it is not because of a taboo that I dind’t com­ment before, it’s because of assump­tions already made in the related arti­cles.
I believe that as human beings we are to transend the phys­i­cal and learn how unim­por­tant it is, so fix­ing human rela­tion­ships in terms of sex is restric­tive.
True spir­i­tual con­nec­tion does not rely on the exchange of body flu­ids. There are deep and mean­ing­ful rela­tion­ships in this world that have noth­ing to do with sex at all. Some peo­ple have all kinds of issues with a lack of sex and that is their path, not mine or indeed any­one else’s. It may well be that — in this life­time — the lack is a nec­ces­sity, to focus on other things. I would say that sex is not the prob­lem, but mak­ing love is a big­ger con­cern, how­ever, those who do not do either may well have found a deeper, more spir­i­tual con­nec­tion that does not require phys­i­cal action. They may have tran­scended to a level we may all ulti­mately need to go to — when we no longer have to use bod­ies to com­mu­ni­cate but minds, have no fear of inti­macy and can show it through thought and word and deed. We will not have to rely on one tran­sient moment of phys­i­cal con­nec­tion to get back to the one­ness of life.
Thus I believe that focus­ing on sex is actu­ally point­less — if a rela­tion­ship ful­fills many other cri­te­ria, sex is not nec­ces­sary BUT it is a per­sonal choice.
I do speak from expe­ri­ence of both plenty and lack and I feel that the para­me­ters of this ‘study’ are far too nar­row and far too pre-set to really answer ques­tions about it.
It is not dis­cussed in some quar­ters because, far from it being a taboo, there is in fact an under­stand­ing of just how much we have got bogged down in see­ing it as so vital that we have for­got­ten how NOT vital it is.

Yvonne Svahn says

STOP SPAMMING ME! STOP SPAMMING ME! STOP SPAMMING ME! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!

hugh goulding says

Very reveal­ing insights … how rela­tion­ships become ster­ile. I fear I have one on that path

adamanya says

Dear Burt ,

Is there a cure for the men­tal dis­ease of “Gayism”?

Adamanya

Burt Goldman says

A few peo­ple have asked if I had a tech­nique for a per­son who was molested as a child by some­one close to them. Try this method; it often works.

With your eyes closed, think about the per­son who molested you. Move your eyes rapidly from the extreme right to the extreme left. Move your eyes back and forth in that man­ner for 4 or 5 sec­onds while think­ing of the per­son who molested you. Stop. Do it again the same way, the image of the per­son who molested you will start dimin­ish­ing. After a few sec­onds stop. Do it once again, eyes mov­ing rapidly from left to right, back and forth, while think­ing of the per­son or the event.

That’s it. You should find the thought of the prob­lem has less­ened, or even dis­ap­peared. I won’t go into the rea­sons for this method work­ing as there is a space lim­i­ta­tion. Good luck with Danc­ing Eyes.

Burt Gold­man

Nancy says

I’m not under­stand­ing why so many women don’t want to have sex after hav­ing chil­dren. I’m a 42 year old female, had chil­dren in my early 20’s, and still love sex. It is hard to have ful­fill­ing inti­mate sex if you are at odds with each other or if their is under­ly­ing resent­ment. SO, I’m won­der­ing if the women are just unhappy with the rela­tion­ship. Women don’t have a sex drive if they are unhappy — if they feel unap­pre­ci­ated and become over­loaded. If she is get­ting up early, get­ting the kids out the door, going to work, com­ing home to cook din­ner then onto laun­dry, she is exhausted. Women instinc­tu­ally take care of the chil­dren before their own needs and their husbands…it’s just our pro­gram­ming. Now, if a few days a week, she can kick her feet up early and let her hubby do the work, she can regroup her­self, con­nect with her­self and then ulti­mately con­nect with her spouse. To Jeff above, yes, as you get older and live through expe­ri­ences, you start to under­stand why peo­ple do cer­tain things you used to think were wrong.

Joseph P. DiEva says

When my wife and I met , I did not have a job. I was liv­ing off the money from the sale of my house ( the house I grew up in!)
I ( and the Priest from my old parish ) tried to rea­son with her (my wife ) to let me get a job first before we get mar­ried!
She said ” Joe, I love you so much , it doesen’t mat­ter to me wheather or not you ever work again ‚because I am in my 50’s,it is hard to get employ­ee­ment.
I did get a job a week before we were mar­ried.
Three days after we were mar­ried , I was told by human resources that ” I was just not woek­ing out ” —— with­out any real explaina­tion of why they were let­ting me go!
Two weeks after we were mar­rued , I approached my wife for sex and was turned down ( for the sec­ond time in a week ).
I said to her (half kid­ding!) “Heay Girl , You are not tak­ing care of your man here”!
She said to me : “WHEN YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF ME , THEN I WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU”!
I TOLD HER THAT I HAVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF HER (FINANCIALLY) ALL ALONG (FROM THE MONEY FROM THE SALE OF MY HOUSE)!
SHE SHRUGGED IT OFF BY CHANGING THE SUBJECT!
SHE TAKES CARE —— EVERY 3 MONTHS —— BY “DOING ME BY HAND”! —— THAT IS IT —— NO FOREPLAY —— NO NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THIS IS MY FIRST MARRIAGE ( I MARRIES FOR THE FIRST TIME AT AGE 52!) THIS IS HER SECOND( SHE WAS 58 WHEN WE WERE MARRIED!)
WHAT DOES ONE DO IN THIS SITUAATION????????????????????

kay says

I have found that our chil­dren can be a rea­son we do not get to enjoy sex the way we did in the begin­ning. To resolve this issue I have found it is worth while stay­ing some where on our own with­out them in the house, is well worth the effort. It makes a huge dif­fer­ence to me to be able to com­pletely relax and enjoy each other with­out wor­ry­ing about the noise we make (as I am loud when I orgasm) and I don’t like hav­ing to be mind­ful as it inhibits my plea­sure. I sug­gest this to peo­ple with chil­dren and those that have taken my advise have all agreed I makes a huge dif­fer­ence to there sex­ual expe­ri­ence to know the chil­dren can not hear them or walk in on them and ruin the moment. I know this can be dif­fi­cult to achieve all the time but even orga­niz­ing one week-end a month would help get you through. It may be you can’t afford a motel so you could find a friend or fam­ily mem­ber to take your chil­dren for one or two nights. You could work out a ros­ter with other friends that have chil­dren at home where you take turns so each cou­ple get some time out. Just a sug­ges­tion hope it helps, I was amazed at the dif­fer­ence for us when we started doing it, wow I had for­got­ten how good it could be!

Maggie says

If you have devel­oped a pro­gram that will over­come the dis­func­tion that molesta­tion can cause, I will see it and share with those in need.
Mags

Ryan says

I dont know whether to invest in your pro­gram, or to invest in Pickup artist training???

If you would please help me It would be Greatly appreciated.

Thanks
Ryan

Tony says

Hi Burt,

To respond to Elizabeth’s com­ment above, I feel for you and I wish you love for you and your husband.

Lastly in response to Burts queries, both the part­ners could be too busy work­ing to try and make ends meet [or study­ing a dif­fer­ent career or busi­ness] so they don’t get qual­ity time with each other, which then could lead them slowly apart, which is a real shame.

But a rela­tion­ship should be prop­erly gen­uine and give and take etc. It’s not easy but it is worthwhile.

Ryan says

…

Sandi says

I also lost inter­est after my daugh­ter was born. That caused him a lot of anger and resent­ment, and he lashed out at me a lot. As a result of that, I got to the point where I wanted to leave him.

Now I have sex­ual desires, but none towards him, and not all the time. And I fear giv­ing him any indi­ca­tion of any inter­est at all, because as soon as I do, he sud­denly thinks we’re going to be screw­ing like bun­nies non­stop, and becomes hurt and irate when I’m not in the mood, dis­tracted, want to get some­thing done, whatever.

Espe­cially dif­fi­cult is the fact that I have no sex­ual inter­est dur­ing my period, and this upsets him too… and the last thing I need when I’m PMS­ing and on my period is some­one rid­ing me demand­ing sex and upset when it’s not hap­pen­ing. So by the time our rela­tion­ship recov­ers from my PMS­ing, I’m PMS­ing again.

Levis says

Hi BURT well in my respond to your last ques­tion in what cat­e­gorie I am in, it was # 3 I had exp­land part of my sit­u­a­tion. Now this part I had kept for my self but this part bother me a lot so I’ll talk about it may be it will help me.When I maried I knew my wife was adopted at young age.She was born in a fam­ily of 12 kid. After 19 years of mariage she had told me ( after she had told her friend )that at the age of 6 she was sex­uly abuse by her step brother and at the age of 10 by her step father. Wen we turn 40 years she met her real brother and sister,one month after she decided to seper­ate from me and the chil­drent, and told me that when she maried me it was not for love but as a escape roard from her past and she did not wanted chil­drent for us but because her step mother wanted grand child. And for her I was like a bus ride and it was time for her to get out of the bus, leav­ing me with the kid. But she left me because she had feld in love with her younger brother, so they move together 500 mile from here and they had sex for sev­eral month all so other brother and sis­ter had sex together. After 6 month of that incess she came back into townd ask me if I would help her for one month until she fine a place to stay.Well guess what I agree, I bean suf­fer­ing sence because again this was a trap. She had no intend to fine a place. But like I said before for the girls, I shut my mouth because girl love there father but need there mother. And my life is get­ing worse every day I wish I could return in time and tell her ” NO ”

Ursula says

I read a com­ment or two from some of these blogs that peo­ple were not able to get what they paid for, or have not had any responses from the cus­tomer ser­vice no that was pub­lished. I am very wary of order­ing any prod­uct as a result of that. You need to respond to peo­ple if they want refunds or have ques­tions about your prod­ucts, oth­er­wise this is noth­ing more than a way to extract money out of vul­ner­a­ble people.

debby says

..just as ‘I’ predicted.…you wouldn’t post my response.
Why?…Because it would, per­haps, ‘serve’ other’s…and ‘not’ you and your wallet.

Self-professed ‘gurus’…who ‘with­hold’ help…for ‘money’…are ‘predators’…not…‘saviors’…not ‘heroes’.

Pay­pal means more to you…than directly answer­ing ‘appeals’ for help…and ‘giv­ing it’.…as they come to you.

I fur­ther ‘predict’.…you’ll not…‘change’.

warmly,
debby

Ambrus Faust says

Very inter­est­ing and diverse com­ments posted here. I hope y’all get what you want in a relationship.

So what’s you “magic solu­tion” Burt?

Eve says

I am in my mid 40’s and have been mar­ried for over 20 years. I have spent the major­ity of my mar­riage lov­ing my hus­band even when his actions were not lov­able. Even when he cheated on me sev­eral years ago and had a child with this other woman, I took him back to “save” him from him­self and have even raised this child he made with this woman as my own. I have given, and taken respon­si­bil­ity, and loved and on the flip side… I have been taken for granted, neglected and lead to feel very unloved.

At one point a cou­ple of years ago, I begged him and told him I was des­per­ate for his love and atten­tion… I lit­er­ally let go of any pride and begged. In response, he got mean… angry act­ing… not for an hour or a day, but for weeks. Some­thing strange hap­pened one day, that I did not expect. I broke. And since that moment, his very touch makes me feel very sick. I have been sleep­ing on the couch ever since. I feel stuck by my con­vic­tions, my tena­cious nature and my love for my “step” child that I have no legal rights to. How­ever, I must admit, I don’t ever see myself in the bed­room with my hus­band again.

Oz says

Hi! I´ve been through a cou­ple of relash­ion­ships, and often felt sex­u­ally uncom­fort­able, maybe cause It often didn´t felt affec­tion­ate and sen­si­tive enough for me. For exam­ple I got quite shocked by a girl, I called the robot, thats how unsen­si­tive and rough she behaved.
These kind of expe­ri­ences led me to my sad cur­rent state, where I don´t even enjoy myself any­more and am too afraid of just get­ting dis­ap­pointed and hurt again. I mas­tur­bate only sel­domly and even that´s not fun, rather than just a quick thing I don´t really enjoy.
Thank you for any kind of help to claim back my joy and desire, I appre­ci­ate it soo much,
Love Oz

debby says

.…I know you will not post my ‘com­ment’. It seems to ‘threaten’…the ‘essence’ of your.…intent. But my response went out to the Universe…anyway…whether any­one reads it…or not.

Thank you for the oppor­tu­nity to speak…my truth.
And.…I don’t charge people…I do it all…as i go along..inch by inch…moment by moment…because to ‘not’ aid some­one who asks…while we ‘can’…we make a choice ‘not’ to…for ‘money’ reasons.…not ‘heart’ reasons.

Love,
debby

debby says

1) While i ‘com­mend’ your ‘intention’…and belief you have the answer/answers as ‘one person’…to ‘aid’ and ‘enlight­ened’ others…in their jour­ney towards intimacy…i am now…quite done with peo­ple who offer ‘aid’ and say­ing it’s from the heart…as they (you) require ‘paypal’…to issue for­ward with ‘your advise’. You are only ‘one’ per­son and can­not even hope (or do you) to have the abil­ity to aid…so many.

2) I wish that peo­ple would no longer ‘pay’…for any help they seek…spiritually…personally.…

3) The truly ‘heart generous’.…would sim­ply ‘give’…because they ‘can’ and ‘must’…from their heart…and be ‘paid’ by just the ‘doing’…where they can, when asked.

4) For as many peo­ple as there are in this beau­ti­ful, yet difficult-at-times…world of ours.…there are ‘that’ many ways…of expe­ri­ence. To offer, as ‘one’ who ‘knows’..what you sim­ply can­not ‘know’…is a form of ‘hubris’…especially if you oper­ate with ‘PAYPAL’.

5) I wish that peo­ple who have ‘gifts’ to give to other’s in ‘pain’.…and seem­ingly ‘lost’.…for a ‘new approach…give those gifts…because they ‘can’…and ‘wish’ to from their heart…and ‘not’ make a ‘pro­fes­sion’ out of other’s…pain…claiming to be their…“savior’…IF THEY JUST PAY YOU FIRST.

6) I encour­age all ‘seek­ers’ of new ways to approach their own particular…‘challenges’.…to seek out the ‘uni­ver­sal wis­doms’ for clarity…ON THEIR OWN. True ‘sages’…give their guidance…for free.…it is all there for you to find…if you truly ‘wish’ and ‘desire’…to re-shift and meet the world and your loved ones.…in a new way.

7) Do not allow any­one to have you believe that ‘they alone’…if you just ‘pay’ them.…..have any answers FOR YOUR LIFE!

8) “Our deep­est fear is not that we are inad­e­quate. Our deep­est fear is that we are pow­er­ful beyond mea­sure.” (mar­i­anne williamson).…..do not give over your power to any­one else.…for money.…especially if they ‘claim’ they can .…. cure you of your ‘difficulties’..They are ‘your’ difficulties.…‘YOU’ FIND ‘your way’.….because it is an ‘inside’ job.…no one knows you bet­ter than you know yourself.….do NOT…give your ‘power’..to ‘any­one’ else…especially.…for money, first!

9) Always beware of ‘self pro­fessed’ spir­i­tual ‘guru’s…who use their ‘spir­i­tu­al­ity’ as their ‘job’! always!!

10)…When you ‘change’…how ‘you’ move though the world…and be aware of you own thoughts…and know for yourself.…‘how’ you wish and desire your world to ‘be’.…then you force the ‘world’ and those around you…to ‘change’ also. FACT. THE ONLY FACT YOU SHOULD INTERNALIZE.…and then.…..see and be.…who and what you ‘are’.…want.…desire. Change yourself.…change your world…and those you love and who love you.….will be also.…‘transformed’.

warmly,
debby

Princess says

I would love to have a rela­tion­ship that is kind, lov­ing and filled with won­der­ful sex. I am sin­gle, Mar­riage is what I really want. While talk­ing to those who are mar­ried, most say they want to be sin­gle. My hus­band died some­time ago, I remem­ber rush­ing home from work just to see his face. Our rela­tion­ship was, when it was good it was great, when it was bad it was hell. My expe­ri­ence with dat­ing has been painful. Just can’t seem to find a man who does not lie and cheat. What ever hap­pen to char­ac­ter and prin­ci­ples. It would be won­der­ful to know where to go danc­ing and exchange good con­ver­sa­tions. So, how do you get into the dat­ing scene and meet ggod peo­ple. I see the adver­tis­ments for dat­ing and they are scary. In the mean time, I will con­tinue to take care of myself and keep pray­ing. Life is much bet­ter when you have some­one spe­cial to love and share your life with. Princess

Ivory says

Com­ments from all those peo­ple are about the sadist things I have ever heard I do hope that many can be helped. As for me I would never,never want to live like that in a rela­tion­ship. I just know you have some pow­er­ful solu­tion to share.
Thank you Burt for shar­ing all that knowledge.

RDA says

I love my girl­friend, but I have very lit­tle sex­ual inter­est in her. I have to use Via­gra to get an erec­tion. Why don’t I sim­ply break up? Because she is per­fect in every way except that I don’t feel any sex­ual pas­sion towards her. I have made the con­scious choice to endure this for the kalei­do­scope of other ben­e­fits our rela­tion­ship provides.

RDA says

I love my girl­friend, but I have very lit­tle sex­ual inter­est in her. I have to use Via­gra to get an erec­tion. Why don’t I sim­ply break up? Because she is per­fect in every way except that I don’t feel any pas­sion towards her. I have made the con­scious choice to

Kay says

With four chil­dren, I don’t have the energy or libido that I once did.

Frank Holst says

Hei Burt
I’m a big fel­low (150 kg) mar­ried to a won­der­full wife (75 kg) and yes — I might feel a bit ashamed over my body — my wife alvays tell me, that she loves every lbs, but .… — well I pre­fer to wait untill I come down on 100 kg.

Oer­nen

Joni says

I real­ized a lit­tle while ago I don’t love my hus­band any­more. We have been mar­ried for almost six­teen years, and there have been a lot of hurts passed back and forth. I truly feel I have for­given him, but can’t be vul­ner­a­ble enough to trust him with my heart again. I want to keep our fam­ily together, but don’t want to live in a love­less mar­riage either. How do you fall in love with a per­son again? I have lis­tened to your mind­box mod­ule on love, the exer­cise on it scared me. I can’t talk him into going through some­thing like that. He sees no prob­lem with our rela­tion­ship, and says he still loves me. I guess I only stay for the kids and the sex which could be mind blow­ing if I could trust him and truly love him.

Summer says

I have lost almost all inter­est in sex after being together with my hus­band for ten years and hav­ing two chil­dren. I would describe our rela­tion­ship as “com­fort­able”. My hus­band is very sup­port­ive and lov­ing, but all the excite­ment and laugh­ter has dis­ap­peared. I have tried NLP, hyp­no­sis and the Silva method to boost my sex­ual desire but noth­ing has worked so far. I’m not sure if I’m moti­vated enough. I need to feel con­nected to my part­ner emo­tion­ally and be relaxed before I can even con­sider hav­ing sex. We reg­u­larly get away to spend time together but those occa­sions are so loaded with expec­ta­tion of hav­ing sex (on his part) that I get tense. Any good advice Burt — or anyone?

Thank you!
Summer

Lisa says

I have never been real inter­ested in Sex,I have been mar­ried 22 years now and we have older teenagers,I think a deep part of me is not inter­ested because of being sex­u­ally molosted by my Father grow­ing up,when I got mar­ried I did have a hard time,but my hus­band has helped me through alot and would always lis­ten when I needed to talk,our sex life did get better,after 10 years of mar­riage I learned he had an affair while I was preg­nant with our sec­ond child,this was dev­as­tat­ing to me as I thought since he knew my childhood,and we were very close and he was the 1 per­son in the world that would never hurt me,he has apol­o­gized many times over,I believe I have for­given him,as he said it was just a stu­pid mis­take and he was young then,our sex life was also good then thats what I didn’t under­stand?? I don’t think he has repeated this again as he saw how deeply it hurt me and he could have lost his family,after our sec­ond child was born I had my tubes tied,then started slowly hav­ing prob­lems which even­tu­ally led to a full hysterectomy,I also have chronic back pain,so the doc­tor has me on pain med­ica­tion and antidepressants,which does not help at all for intimacy,I do love my hus­band very much,initially I stayed for the children,then as I started for­giv­ing him and real­ized how bad he hurt and the guilt he carried,then thought why should I throw this all away to start over when the next man could eas­ily do the same,we do have sex,not as often as he wants,but I have a lack of libido and don’t have the desire,when I do and plan it out then our teenagers will pull some­thing that leaves us both upset and the night is blown,I have tried every prod­uct I could think of,even the doc­tors just say­ing it is a side effect of the medication,I want to have the desire back very much,but am at witts end,I know he is frus­trated too,otherwise we get along very well,talk,he is my best friend besides God,I don’t want a divorce thats why I keep try­ing prod­ucts after prod­ucts with no ben­e­fits we do kiss every­day and say I love you,any sug­ges­tions would be highly appreciated!!!

raj says

I have inter­est in sex to do who ever i see.But i can­not per­form
due to pre­ma­ture ejaculation.

HappyWoman says

Sex was always exhaust­ing for me. I enjoyed hav­ing it but never was the cen­ter of any­thing that inter­est­ing me in life. It always was some­thing that can hap­pens but not necce­sar­ily.
Although this is my truth, it never was my part­ners truth. They always need more and blamed me for their scarcity in that field.
I decided that I do not need it and I do not need to make unhappy any more man in this jour­ney.
I’m happy as it is now: no sex, no oblig­a­tions to make oth­ers happy, no unhappy part­ners around me.

Mary says

I love my hus­band. We will have been mar­ried for 36 years at the end of May. We are not inti­mate and this is as a direct result of his pornograpy addic­tion, which he has over­come I am glad to say. He now has ED and this I believe is because of stress and his dif­fi­culty with inti­macy. He is work­ing on his inner world and that is why I have not given up hope that our rela­tion­ship will improve.

Pamela Murawski says

I have a won­der­ful mar­riage and he is my true love. We com­mu­ni­cate with each other about every­thing. We always give each other a kiss hello and good­bye and good­night. Some­times we hold hands while watch­ing TV. We make a point of doing some­thing spe­cial together even if it is just going out to lunch. We have a great and sat­is­fy­ing sex life, maybe not often enough for me though. He likes to refuse like the woman does and have me seduce him. I love him like the day I mar­ried him and we have been mar­ried twenty years. He is the male side of me and I the female side of him. Of course, I am very lucky to have such an enrich­ing mar­riage. We will argue, yes, only that to is just a part of com­mu­ni­cat­ing. If we had no arquing I think one of us would have to be a real robot.

Bernice says

Hi Burt,

Very good sub­ject that you ahve raised. I’ve also ready some of the com­ments and have to agree with you totally. Unless there is some ills health affect­ing one of the part­ners, there is no rea­son not to have a sex­u­ally healthy life. it is a God-given gift and there is noth­ing nmore beau­ti­ful than find­ing that spir­i­tual con­nec­tion dur­ing close encounters(pardon the pun!).

I con­sider my self to be very healthy in every aspect and I look and feel quite young for my 53 years. how­ever, I am too a vic­tim of North America’s crip­pling affl­ci­tion, lack of sex for more than 2 years now. Our rela­tion­ship did disslove but I asked the uni­verse for heal­ing and rec­on­cil­i­a­tion which has hap­pened to a large degree but the sex is still miss­ing. It’s so easy to find sex these days but I do not look at sex as a com­mod­ity and we did once have a very high stan­dard of sex. My hus­band or ex-husband, what­ever title I may call him is only 48 and is healthy and strong except that recently he found his cho­les­terol to be too high and some enzymes are too so stones are of suspect.

finally he woke up because of this scare and real­ized that we should attempt to rekin­dle our sex lives and that life is not worth the strug­gle he’s been putting him­self through. He is an immi­grant and has the false belief that life is a strug­gle, that you have to work hard to achieve your goals even if this means neglect­ing one’s sex life. I became resent­ful because he would nto talk about the issue and that felt that I was not an impor­tant equation.

Of course, you are only read­ing the fen­ce­posts and not many fo the details such as abuse in our rela­tion­ship, a period of poverty, etc. but some­how, we were able to for­give (or at least I believe that I have)and move onward. He has asked me to marry him twice and backed out and on that level alone, I felt resent­ment and still am some­what both­ered by it. I have never loved another human being more on any level. When we met, we always felt that we have known each other all of our lives and per­haps we did in another lifetime.

My ulti­mate dream would be to rekin­dle our sex lives and to have a very open and hon­est rela­tion­ships, one in which we can talk about our chal­lenges. Luck­ily, I’ve been study­ing the uni­ver­sal laws and know that our lim­i­ta­tions are sim­ply self-liniting con­cep­tions of the mind. I wish that he would study the same and real­ize this too but it’s hard to get through to him, and there’s still a chance that he may lose me.

John says

To Eliz­a­beth — you two were lucky to have eachother whilst you did.

As a vic­tim of a uni­lat­eral divorce, I can justly state, that it takes two to tango … and, over­all, there is a mass degra­da­tion in soci­ety over­all, their morals, beliefs, hon­esty, etc… Any­one who has entered the fast paced “meat mar­ket” world of dat­ing after 40 can attest … nobody cares, are just in it for what They can get” out of it — and the result of course, is even­tual dis­plea­sure, dishar­mony and upset.

We used to joke about cer­tain clubs being a “meat mar­ket”. Now, EVERYTHING and EVERYWHERE IS and it is NOT just men who are “on the prowl”.

We have fallen to a very low place, human­ity has. Ego­ism, self­ish­ness, the desire to receive for ones own plea­sure rules! But, as you see, in the effects on the global econ­omy, things MUST change .. we must become inter­con­nected, and care about one another, all.

or face the consequences

Elizabeth says

They are all lucky. They have a spouse.
The last thing I said to my hus­band the day he died was: I love you. I MISS YOU. I’ll see you tonight.
He went one way to work and I went the other way to work.

March says

my part­ner and I have been together for 12 1/2 years. the first two years we had sex­ual desires for each other all the time, but after the that it has got­ten down to once every two, three or six months before we have sex and then it’s like she is not into it at all, it’s a have to. This makes it so their is no pas­sion at all. I feel like I have a fraind not a lover. She keeps her­silf from hav­ing a orgasm, I think that if she would have a orgams maybe she would injoy pas­sion alot more.
March

Dave says

Here’s my take on why rela­tion­ships fail.

When you first start dat­ing some­one you like, the body releases chem­i­cals that are quite lit­er­ally intox­i­cat­ing. These chem­i­cals cause you to want to be with that per­son all the time, stay up all night talk­ing with them with them and have sex with them as often as possible.

But a year or two later the chem­i­cals change. The intox­i­cat­ing chem­i­cals are replaced by ‘sta­bil­ity’ chem­i­cals. The pow­er­ful sex drive chem­i­cals go away and settle-down-raise-a-family chem­i­cals take over. It’s all just nat­ural chem­i­cal reactions.

Theresa Cren­shaw explains the process in her book “The Alchemy of Love and Lust”.

Jill says

Burt– Ihope your new Inti­macy pro­gram can be applied to same-sex cou­ples and is not gen­der spe­cific. I have bought many
of your programs

Karen says

In my era and loca­tion, sex was a for­bid­den topic, painted with a broad, nasty-behavior brush. One’s par­ents and grand­par­ents never touched in pub­lic (phys­i­cally or emo­tion­ally), and it seems a won­der to me, as I look at it now, that there were chil­dren, since preg­nancy was also a very “bad” thing. Fam­i­lies with more than the oblig­a­tory 2 chil­dren were thought of unkindly. My hus­band was never fully inti­mate with any­one before our rela­tion­ship, had few phys­i­cal skills, and was dis­ap­prov­ing of my appetite for any­thing more. He is, how­ever, very roman­tic in other ways, and always remem­bers spe­cial days. And, we do have 3 chil­dren, much to my parent’s embar­rass­ment!!! Have you seen the movie “Mona Lisa Smile” with Julie Roberts? Much of my era’s mores are included in that story.

I would like more inti­macy, but we’re more-or-less out of the inti­macy habit in the past sev­eral years. Of course, we ARE going on a cruise for our 40th Anniver­sary in June, so — as with all things in life — changes can hap­pen. Set­ting aside those lim­it­ing beliefs of the past will be hard for us, but try­ing can (and will) be fun :)

Thanks for the encouragement!!!

Cris says

I find that the pro­grams are com­ing out just too fast. It’s hard to keep up with all this infor­ma­tion and techniques.

I am still learn­ing Quan­tum Jump­ing, I have put E-NLP on the back burner for the time being so that I can focus on, and try to mas­ter the pre­vi­ous pro­grams, and now you are get­ting ready to launch a new program.

Just too much and too fast IMO, and very lit­tle oppor­tu­nity for us to ask ques­tions, clar­ify con­cepts and get sup­port in under­stand­ing and apply­ing the lessons.

Jeffrey says

Sex — a very small word for such a big topic.
I’m 46 years old, my wife 45.
And our sex life is not healthy by any stan­dard you want to mea­sure by. In our case the entire rela­tion­ship is… is… nonex­is­tent.
There is no friendly ‘hello’ in the morn­ing or com­ing home from work.
There is no miss­ing me when I am gone.
There is no coop­er­a­tion and work­ing as a team.
There is no hold­ing hands.
There is no friendly peck on the cheek (given or accepted).
There is no rela­tion­ship build­ing.
There is no sign of want­ing a bet­ter rela­tion­ship on her part.
There is no close­ness.
There is very lit­tle talk­ing.
There is sex once in a while but entirely up to her.
There is sex once in a while but I would not say it is the high point in our rela­tion­ship — how could it…
There is one thing very clear to me — I am not the light of her life (the chil­dren are).
I used to blame myself — per­haps it is some­thing I did, per­haps some­thing I said — no, I don’t think so, no not really.
When I was younger I sim­ply could not under­stand devorce, I could not under­stand peo­ple hav­ing an affair.
I don’t know that I will ever do those things — but I can say for sure, in some sit­u­a­tions, that I do under­stand.
I under­stand the lone­li­ness and I under­stand that at some point I will not be able to take it any more — the despair will be too much…
What then?
I don’t know — the only thing I do know that in this moment the sun is shin­ing this morn­ing and it feels really good — I will enjoy this day very much — sim­ply because I have decided to do so!

Be good.
Talk to each other.
Be friendly.
Love him or her anyway.

Jef­frey

bernard p j says

I am okay. Prob­lem only arises for last­ing rela­tion­ship. Inter­est is there and so is the action. But firm­ness slack­ens.
Thought of arti­fi­cial med­ica­tion but inter­est still remains at lingering.

Lalita says

Chris, some­times when some women do not get the emo­tional, accep­tance, under­stan­ing or sup­port that they need, they with draw. Sex­ual with­drawal is an exter­nal demon­sta­tion of an inter­nal need that has with­ered. Seek to nur­ture her,calm her inner fear if you want her to joy­ously give you her gifts. The jewel is in the heart of the lotus. Be egoless,and silently observe,her effort­less response. First com­pas­sion then pas­sion. The sun shines the lotus opens her petals. Let your heart guide you in all ways.

Victor Adaramola says

I am one of your cus­tomers, I have bought one video from you, but there was one that was sent through e-mail the same day, I made it known that am no longer inter­ested in the book. But to my suprise my mail was not reply and $72.and change was taken from acct. the phone # tthat was listed (1–866-957-sandy)could not be reach to claim my refund.
I am tak­ing this time to please give cor­rect con­tact num­ber for peolpe to reach your sale dept.

Georgina says

My hus­band doesn’t really come near me in bed any more, other than to do Spoons occa­sion­ally. I try to touch and stroke etc but get no response. He is 52 and I am 40. We have 2 small chil­dren (aged 4 and 2) and I know that we are both tired. I don’t always make him my pri­or­ity but also I feel that it is his respon­si­bil­ity to make a move in the bedroom.

Look­ing for­ward to read­ing about your new pro­grame Burt!

G

Dhiraj says

I totally agree with you on this. A healthy sex life is essen­tial for com­plete ful­fill­ment. In my expe­ri­ence many peo­ple jusy don’t give it high enough pri­or­ity. Sex energy is cre­ative energy. We need (and are bio­log­i­cally programmed)to use this energy for health and well­be­ing. Pas­sion and inti­macy is worth going for. I’m intrigued to learn more about your pro­gram Burt.
Dhiraj

Linda Fawcus says

We have been mar­ried 43 years and always enjoyed a fan­tas­tic sex life. My hus­band was diag­nosed with Parkinson’s Dis­ease five years ago and our sex life has grad­u­ally dimin­ished. We would both like to be able to return to how it was. My hus­band is 64 and I am 62.

Chris says

Well, my prob­lem is, that my part­ner — I’m with her for 11 years now, we have two kids (8y boy, 6y girl)has lost her sex­ual desire com­pletely after the birth of our daugh­ter. And it’s even worse: She detests every form of pas­sion and lust (no more tongue kiss­ing etc).
She knows, that I love and desire her and that sex is part of it, so she accepts sex once a month (!) some­times even reach­ing orgasm.
We are inti­mate in a broth­erly way: touches, looks, kisses — but not enough for me.
What is to do to free her from her every­day prob­lems which keep her far from let­ting go and to help her allow­ing pas­sion??? greets and thanks!
Chris

Umerr says

Dear Burt,I am a 30 years old guy who is still single.For a long period I have had strug­gle with my sex­ual orientation(I am gay but i dont like being a gay) and recently for about a cou­ple of months I find that I have almost lost my sex­ual appetitite.I have been tak­ing an antipsy­chotic and anti­de­pres­sive drug which may have brought about this relac­tance about sex.My ques­tion is,whether I will be able to get a straight sex­ual ori­en­ta­tion ever in life with a per­fectly healthy sex life?..I am Silva graduate,how can i pro­gram for this?..how your course can help me with it?

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  • About the Author

    Burt Goldman My name is Burt Gold­man. I’m one of those “lucky peo­ple” who dis­cov­ered a secret early in life. For the last 50 years, I have been trav­el­ing the world and meet­ing and study­ing spir­i­tual mas­ters from every inch of our planet. Now, at the age of 82, I’m ready to share with the world what I have learned. I started this blog to be able to share with you my most valu­able teach­ings and insights I have gained over the past few decades. Here, you’ll find plenty of valu­able infor­ma­tion on med­i­ta­tion, energy heal­ing, spir­i­tu­al­ity, and my lat­est rev­e­la­tion, Quan­tum Jump­ing. I look for­ward to con­nect­ing with you and I sin­cerely hope you enjoy being a part of this blog.

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